Well, indeed it has been awhile.  Almost 4 months.  You'd think that, given all the time gone by, I'd have something great to say.  I don't.  Fantastic, huh?  There has been plenty of good, a little bad, but honestly, nothing earth shattering.  Except to say that, I really have been absolutely happy.

I understand that's actually quite a shock for some people.  I can understand why.  Given my past, or even just reading some of my past posts, it sounds somewhat impossible to believe that I could be (generally speaking) completely happy for 4 whole months.  Well good boys and girls, it's true. 

So where do we start?  The good or the bad?  Let's get the good out of the way first, shall we?

I'm still happily taken.  And might I say, what a difference that's made in my world.  I refuse to give all or even most of the credit to her for my happiness.  Yes, she's helped that, and greatly so.  Yes, it brings about a more positive influence in my world.  No, I'm not going to say that she's the reason everything's turned around.  That would be unfair to her, firstly, and also untrue.  The thought processes of my mind have been turning for the better within the last year or so of my life and it's really starting to show.  I'd like to say that getting her is the result of my improved mental state, not the other way around.

I have or have had several friends get married.  Always a fun time and again, for the first time in my life, I have a significant other to bring along.  Dancing, drinking, and showing off.  Not what you'd expect from me, hmm?  (Well, minus the drinking part.)  It's true, and I believe we, as a couple, turned more than a few heads.  Maybe that's because I, along with a few others, had our ties around our heads.  Eh...you decide.

Good friends, good times, and cutting down on the drinking.  What could be going wrong, you ask?  A few minor things.

Firstly, the car died.  That's not a shock to anyone who knows me or that old p.o.s.  As a matter of fact, it's been expected for quite some time.  But the thought of putting a 3rd engine into a car I've had a little over 2 years didn't sound promising, so I decided it was time to throw in the towel, so to speak.

Also, I'm not working much.  Eh.  That's not a huge thing to me, but there's that whole money issue.  Kind of overrated, if you ask me.  Regardless, it's something I need to look into.  Speaking of which, I've got a job interview tomorrow.  I've always said that given the chance of an interview, I can work my way into any situation I want.  It's Charisma, baby, and we'll see how well it works tomorrow.

The only other thing to "complain" about is that a good friend of mine, no I won't say who, is dating someone I don't like.  No, I'm not going to say how long they've been together.  No, I won't give a gender for my friend, either.  Just know that I don't like it. 

Such is life.  Keep the faith, my friends.  Just make sure you're putting it in the right place.  You know where it belongs...

My Song of the Moment:  Anything off the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album.  Go buy it!  Now!  Unless you're that one person.  I don't want you listening to it.  Yeah, you.

Until Then...Hump De Bump, boys and girls...

Well, indeed it has been awhile.  Almost 4 months.  You'd think that, given all the time gone by, I'd have something great to say.  I don't.  Fantastic, huh?  There has been plenty of good, a little bad, but honestly, nothing earth shattering.  Except to say that, I really have been absolutely happy.

I understand that's actually quite a shock for some people.  I can understand why.  Given my past, or even just reading some of my past posts, it sounds someone impossible to believe that I could be (generally speaking) completely happy for 4 whole months.  Well good boys and girls, it's true. 

So where do we start?  The good or the bad?  Let's get the good out of the way first, shall we?

I'm still happily taken.  And might I say, what a difference that's made in my world.  I refuse to give all or even most of the credit to her for my happiness.  Yes, she's helped that, and greatly so.  Yes, it brings about a more positive influence in my world.  No, I'm not going to say that she's the reason everything's turned around.  That would be unfair to her, firstly, and also untrue.  The thought processes of my mind have been turning for the better within the last year or so of my life and it's really starting to show.  I'd like to say that getting her is the result of my improved mental state, not the other way around.

I have or have had several friends get married.  Always a fun time and again, for the first time in my life, I have a significant other to bring along.  Dancing, drinking, and showing off.  Not what you'd expect from me, hmm?  (Well, minus the drinking part.)  It's true, and I believe we, as a couple, turned more than a few heads.  Maybe that's because, along with a few others, had our ties around our heads.  Eh...you decide.

Good friends, good times, and cutting down on the drinking.  What could be going wrong, you ask?  A few minor things.

Firstly, the car died.  That's not a shock to anyone who knows me or that old p.o.s.  As a matter of fact, it's been expected for quite some time.  But the thought of putting a 3rd engine into a car I've had a little over 2 years didn't sound promising, so I decided it was time to throw in the towel, so to speak.

Also, I'm not working much.  Eh.  That's not a huge thing to me, but there's that whole money issue.  Kind of overrated, if you ask me.  Regardless, it's something I need to look into.  Speaking of which, I've got a job interview tomorrow.  I've always said that given the chance of an interview, I can work my way into any situation I want.  It's Charisma, baby, and we'll see how well it works tomorrow.

The only other thing to "complain" about is that a good friend of mine, no I won't say who, is dating someone I don't like.  No, I'm not going to say how long they've been together.  No, I won't give a gender for my friend, either.  Just know that I don't like it. 

Such is life.  Keep the faith, my friends.  Just make sure you're putting it in the right place.  You know where it belongs...

My Song of the Moment:  Anything off the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album.  Go buy it!  Now!  Unless you're that one person.  I don't want you listening to it.  Yeah, you.

Until Then...Hump De Bump, boys and girls...

Well, indeed it has been awhile.  Almost 4 months.  You'd think that, given all the time gone by, I'd have something great to say.  I don't.  Fantastic, huh?  There has been plenty of good, a little bad, but honestly, nothing earth shattering.  Except to say that, I really have been absolutely happy.

I understand that's actually quite a shock for some people.  I can understand why.  Given my past, or even just reading some of my past posts, it sounds someone impossible to believe that I could be (generally speaking) completely happy for 4 whole months.  Well good boys and girls, it's true. 

So where do we start?  The good or the bad?  Let's get the good out of the way first, shall we?

I'm still happily taken.  And might I say, what a difference that's made in my world.  I refuse to give all or even most of the credit to her for my happiness.  Yes, she's helped that, and greatly so.  Yes, it brings about a more positive influence in my world.  No, I'm not going to say that she's the reason everything's turned around.  That would be unfair to her, firstly, and also untrue.  The thought processes of my mind have been turning for the better within the last year or so of my life and it's really starting to show.  I'd like to say that getting her is the result of my improved mental state, not the other way around.

I have or have had several friends get married.  Always a fun time and again, for the first time in my life, I have a significant other to bring along.  Dancing, drinking, and showing off.  Not what you'd expect from me, hmm?  (Well, minus the drinking part.)  It's true, and I believe we, as a couple, turned more than a few heads.  Maybe that's because, along with a few others, had our ties around our heads.  Eh...you decide.

Good friends, good times, and cutting down on the drinking.  What could be going wrong, you ask?  A few minor things.

Firstly, the car died.  That's not a shock to anyone who knows me or that old p.o.s.  As a matter of fact, it's been expected for quite some time.  But the thought of putting a 3rd engine into a car I've had a little over 2 years didn't sound promising, so I decided it was time to throw in the towel, so to speak.

Also, I'm not working much.  Eh.  That's not a huge thing to me, but there's that whole money issue.  Kind of overrated, if you ask me.  Regardless, it's something I need to look into.  Speaking of which, I've got a job interview tomorrow.  I've always said that given the chance of an interview, I can work my way into any situation I want.  It's Charisma, baby, and we'll see how well it works tomorrow.

The only other thing to "complain" about is that a good friend of mine, no I won't say who, is dating someone I don't like.  No, I'm not going to say how long they've been together.  No, I won't give a gender for my friend, either.  Just know that I don't like it. 

Such is life.  Keep the faith, my friends.  Just make sure you're putting it in the right place.  You know where it belongs...

My Song of the Moment:  Anything off the new Red Hot Chili Peppers album.  Go buy it!  Now!  Unless you're that one person.  I don't want you listening to it.  Yeah, you.

Until Then...Hump De Bump, boys and girls...

Well, there's a lot to talk about, I don't mind telling you.  It's been almost a month since I last updated and to be honest, it's been one of the more interesting and enjoyable months of my life.  Allow me to explain...

I've got a girlfriend.  Holy ass, for the first time in my life, someone took a chance on me.  And I don't mind telling you, it feels every bit as good as I thought it would, and even better.  I don't really know how to explain to you how I feel.  I can tell you this:  the smile has not left my face and I don't forsee it going anywhere anytime soon.

Along with all of the time we've spent together, I had my first every Valentine's day with a girlfriend.  While yes, I understand many of you don't accept it as a real holiday.  That's fine, I understand the arguement that there shouldn't be one day set up to do something special for someone when you should treat your significant other that way all the time.  Granted.  But for someone who's never had a girlfriend on Valentine's day, it was a bit of a big deal for me.

Valentine's, like everything else with her, had lived up to and surpassed everything I thought it would be with someone.  I really just can't truly express how genuinely happy I am right now. 

The day was also special because of another hookup that happened on that tuesday nite, but I'll not be going into that right here...

This leads me today, where I just got a new job.  I don't mind telling you, I'm a bit conflicted by this.  I enjoyed the endless hours of time spent sleeping, playing guitar, or just laying around with the most beautiful woman in the world.  It was fun and to be honest, I'm not quite ready for that to end.

Unfortunately, I'm running out of money.

The real world is a bitch sometimes, you know?  So I start tomorrow, 9 a.m.  Faaantastic.  9 to 5 my first day.  We'll see how that goes.  Let's be honest, I've done very little in the way of "work" in the past 6 weeks, or even a little more.  8 hours of work, plus wrestling, plus going over to see the lady all in one day?  I'm going to be beat.  And I don't even know if I work Saturday.  If I do, I may just collapse.  Need to get myself back up to working condition.

The final change that's coming in my life is that I'm looking to form a new band.  It took damn near a year for me to get over, past, or whatever word you want to use, the last band I had.  But the girlfriend (there she goes again, being all kinds of smart) has started a fire under my butt and made me realize that if music is really what I want to do with my life, I need to get moving.  And she's absolutely right.

So all things considered, life is at an outstanding point right now.  Short of actually having a few responsibilities, life is really just...phenomenal.  I really couldn't be happier. 

My Song of the Moment: "Sidewinder" by Avenged Sevenfold.  Yes!

Until Then...Be Good to Each Other...

Alright, so tblog changed everything around on me.  This is a little different and I don't mind tellin ya, it's scary.  I want easy and normal.  This isn't normal.  Different.  Don't think I care for it.  Nope, not at all.  What can you do though?

So, I'm jobless. Ahhhh.  It's been awhile, actually.  Getting too long, to be honest.  I'm kinda tired though, having been spending way too much time out and about and with a certain someone in particular (more on that later) to really pay much attention.  I like staying out all night and sleeping all day.  It's fantastic fun, don't you think?

I don't even recall the last time I posted, so if I repeat something that I've already said, I apologize.  Bear with me.

Got a cell phone.  Last person in America to get one, but I got one.  It's quite bad ass, I don't mind telling you.  New years was ok.  Nothing spectacular.  Drank some, not a ton.  Had a good time with my friend Alix.  Why wouldn't I?  Worst twins ever...

Her birthday party was pretty fantastic.  Except for that whole getting sick part.  Could have done without that.  Lots of alcohol consumed, a solid bit of dancing, some girl on girl action, some action for yours truly, and just an overall good time.  I know I enjoyed it.  Believe she did as well.  For the most part.  What she can remember...ehh...

So...there's a new lass in my world.  She's, well, incredible.  There's not a whole lot else to be said but that.  I could go on...I could list off everything amazing about her, but that would take awhile.  A long, long while.  You don't want to hear that anyway. 

Of course, I have my worries.  There's that whole getting "over the hump" thing that scares me and until I finally break that cycle, I'll always worry a bit.  But for now, things are fun.  A lot of fun, actually.  More fun than I've had in a very long time, with anyone, to be honest.

And as you might expect, with a new muse comes new music.  Ahhh...what more could a man ask for?  Not much, actually.  Not much at all.

Still a little apprehensive.  So happy though.  And damnit, I'm charismatic!  That shall get me through and help me persevere.  A little faith in the Lord never hurt either.  Be good my people. 

My Song of the Moment:  "Wings of a Butterfly" by H.I.M. 

Until Then...

Hope you all had a Merry Christmas.  Mine went better than expected.  A bit sad in spots, as is always the case, but overall it was quite acceptable.  Got some good stuff, finally joined the modern age and got a phone, and spent some decent time with family, friends, and the greatest dog ever (mine!).

New Year's eve...not bad.  Spent in a small group, drinking Killians.  I can't go wrong with Killians now can I?  Superb beer, if there's ever been one.  Had a good time, talked to a few people at midnight, life is good, right?  Yeah...not too bad...

Clearly, there are a few funky, fucked up things going on.  Unfortunately, I'm not entirely at liberty to speak about them now.  Suffice to say, my second place complex is in effect at the moment and I'm quite sure I'd like to smash an empty bottle of Killians over someone's head.  I even have a few people in mind...

For the first time in awhile though, I got really pissed off tonight.  The burning anger that isn't really controllable.  I tried, mind you.  Didn't work so well.

I think, generally speaking, I have too much time on my hands.  Too much time to think, to contemplate what I've done (heheh) and what I haven't done (hmm...).  And that, like anything else, is confusing the shit out of me.

In case you hadn't noticed, my language gets much worse when my brain is overloaded.  And overloaded...I am.

Sonofabitch, I may need to get a new blog/journal thingy.  I feel that too many people read this who know me too well.  And because of that, I can't discuss what I want.  As such, I'm holding back.  Holding back on major events that have taken place in my life, both good and bad.

Piss on it. 

My fucking cd drive is broken.  I can't listen to cds.  Speaking of which, someone ravaged our Best Buy, because they had approximately 7 cds, 12 dvds, and 9 video games there on Sunday.  Why wouldn't I go somewhere else and get what I wanted?  Oh yeah, gift cards.  Hooray.  Maybe circuit shitty will take them...ha!

I'm going nuts for the song of the moment.  "Bat Country" by Avenged Sevenfold.  Crazy ass song, my new ringer, and really, the theme song for my world right now.  Now if only I were drugged out like them...

Until Then...

For the past month or maybe even 6 weeks, I've been quite upbeat.  Happy, even.  I fear using that word, because, as you know, I feel that as soon as I get too up, it's only a matter of time before I am brought back down.

I've been out way too late, I've been drinking, I've been dancing some, I've been helping people move, I've been meeting new people.  And I've loved every minute of it.  Every single minute.  It's been a blast.

But throughout all this time, there's been a splinter in my mind.  Something I couldn't quite get loose, and something I couldn't quite understand either.  It just...was.  And I decided to just let it go.  Well, whatever this splinter is, I believe it's caught up to me today.

The lack of sleep, generally speaking, other than a beautiful 17 straight hours, has finally taken it's toll on me.  I think I'm just worn out and have come down a little bit from the euphoria that has been the last 6 weeks.  As I've stated, it's been a beautiful 6 weeks.  But I think my mind and body have finally become in sync with each other.

They've both told me to slow down.

Lord knows I don't want to.  I never have.  I'm the guy that when there's something going down, you best believe I'll be there.  I'll drink til the last drop, I'll dance to the last song, and I'll sing...well...nevermind the singing.  The point is, I love people.  They inspire, piss me off, make me angry, and show me things I would never see otherwise.  This is why I go out.  This is why I continue on this torid pace.

But it sure as hell has kicked my ass.  My mind is shot.  Beyond my extra curricular activities, my former place of employment shut down.  So I'm without a job.  Which sucks, obviously, but moreso when you consider how much I enjoyed the job and the majority of the people I worked with.  It was a great time and I wish them all the best.

Now, on top of that, if you know me well, you know that major holidays usually kick my ass.  A long time ago, and I'd be lying if I said I could tell you when it started, I learned to kind of...block out...holidays.  They always depressed me.  I made myself more or less forget that they were there.  They've been tough for me for quite some time and in keeping with tradition, this year is difficult as well.

Each year since, well, whenever this started, has gotten a little bit easier.  Each christmas in particular, I've gotten a little stronger, a little happier.  I've allowed myself to get a little more "in the spirit," so to speak.  Unfortunately, one of the great traditions of christmas for my family, putting up the christmas tree, will be one person short this year with the passing of my grandmother.

She was here every year with us.  And we're considering not even putting up a tree this year.  Personally, I think that's for the best.  I don't know how to do it, really.  It just doesn't quite feel right without her here to help. 

All of this adds up to one very confused young stud.  That being me, for those of you who didn't catch that.  Some sleep will help.  I'm sure of that. 

Oh!  By the way, it's Merry Christmas, not happy holidays, fuckers!

Sorry, had to get that out of the way...

Song of the Moment:  "Forget to Remember" by Mudvayne.

Until Then...MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

We Won't Die!

Sorry, singing Slipknot these days.  Hell of a lot of fun to play.  Enjoying it.  Enjoying a lot of things, actually.  I haven't been this happy in a long time.  And I'm doing my best not to jinx it, not that I believe in that sorta thing.

Had a helluva time over thanksgiving.  Worked 9+, which was nice.  That'll do well for the old check.  Ate well, yep.  Got to see my dog:  fantastic.  All around, I like it.  Why wouldn't I?

Met someone new.  Yeah...someone, well, not crazy.  Yeah, sane.  How bout that?  We hit it off way too well.  I'm almost a little worried because it started so quickly and easily that...I dunno, I'm just a panzy like that, I guess.

Saw Big Mike and that was grand.  Good man, glad to see he's doing well.  Hope he can move back in a year or so.  Would be fantastic to have him around again.

I'm drinking a bit.  Why wouldn't I?  It's a good bit of fun, no doubt.  I'm back to talking to Piercey, and by talking I mean talking, not "talking", whatever you kids mean by that.  It's nice to have her back.

Was a bit of a dick to her tonight though...

Life is good.  Kinda smitten (ok, more than kinda), I'm getting hours before my place of employment closes, I have a few other things lined up, I'm playing lots of guitar, and the crazy wench is no longer around.  What more could I ask for?

A band...?  Ok, now I'm just being picky...

My Song of the Moment:  "The Pulse of the Maggots" by Slipknot.

Until Then...Say it Again, Say it Again...WE WON'T DIE!

Damnit!  I'm sick.  And I'm not real pleased about that.  Not pleased at all.  I can't get comfortable.  I'm not really a whiner when it comes to sickness, I just lay around and do nothing.  Yeah, that's about it.

So...if you've been out and about lately, you've seen me dancing.  Dancing, yes, with one particular woman.

There's been much speculation as to what's going on between she and I and the fact of the matter is...I don't have a clue.  Not an idea in the world. 

I started this off, as did she, with one key ideal in mind:  "No Expectations."  Well, somewhere along the line, that got a little fudged.  Somewhere in all the insanity and craziness and strange talks and even some arguements, I grew attached.  And my feeling is that, if you asked her, she'd tell you she did too.

The fact of the matter is, when the chips were laid down, I got what always comes to me.  2nd place.  I'll be damned if that didn't bother me a bit more than it should.  Maybe a lot more than it should, because it shouldn't bother me at all.

My personal feeling is that it hasn't really ended.  And it won't, until I stop allowing myself to play 2nd fiddle.  Because I believe that, even though she and the ex aren't back together, given the opportunity things would return just to the way they were for the past week.

Should I allow that?  Do I want that?  Of course I want it.  It was fantastic.  Lot of fun.  More fun than I've had in a long time.  And yet, I shouldn't allow it.  I know it, you know it.

For once though, I may have the willpower to tell a woman no.  At least I'm going to try...

And I talked to another former "prospect" on saturday.  It was interesting.  Hadn't seen her in quite a while.  I miss her, no doubt.  She's apparently ready to get rid of her bf.  Does that mean she wants to get with me?  I doubt it.  Even if she did...has enough time passed to make me realize I can do better?

Can I do better?  Should I try and do better?  Is the other girl better, and will she actually get back with her ex?  Does my head hurt...?

My Song of the Moment:  "Save the Best for Last" by Theory of a Deadman.

Until Then...

Think of what it is to give to another person. 

Emotionally.  Physically.  Completely.

See the situation.  Feel it, embrace it.  You know the feeling, you've been there before.  You understand it.

Juxtapose that.

You're in that scene, you understand, you feel.  Your heart is there.

And what is it you hear?  What is it you truly feel?  Listen for it.  You'll hear it soon enough.

The mournful melodies of a perfect song of sadness.

A song of Depression.  Guilt.  Loss.  Suicide.

Music is your power, as is your emotion.  Which wins?

Song of the Moment: "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle.

Until Then...

You know what my favorite quote is right now?

"Death seems quite nice this time of the year."

I'm beaten, I'm alone, and I'm tired.  To steal from my friend Luck, all I can do is trudge.  That slow, weary, walk of a man who has nothing left but the will to continue on. 

I hate this.  I feel so...so...destroyed.  So left to die.  And if that's the case, then let me die.  LET ME DIE.

But it's not my time.  Not yet. 

She may love me.  Maybe she does.  I believe she does.  But that doesn't change the end result.  As a matter of fact, it makes it worse.  Go FUCKING figure.

I want to be like...her.  A different her.  The one with no heart.  Like the one who caused so much pain.  But I can't be.  My heart is what makes me what I am. 

Which, is to say, unfortunately, alone as always.  Beaten, as always.

Fuck you.

Song of the Moment:  "Passive" by A Perfect Circle.

Until Then..

It's been quite some time, has it not?

I've been hurt badly.  That's not what I'm here to talk about, not yet.  That will come soon.  I've yet to be able to completely deal with that situation, nor get my mind wrapped around it.  In time it will come.  Yes, but until that time...

I've been watching quite a few movies lately.  And when people ask me what kind of movies I prefer to watch, well, it's a bit difficult to say.  My genre really isn't one at all.  It's one that I have lumped together and in doing so, have created a category all to it's own.

Movies that explore the human soul.

These can be comedies or action, though rarely are.  Most of them would fit into what most would call "drama," but I think it's more than that.  It deals with the fabric of what we are, how we think, why we act.  Quality examples include The Way of the Gun, Fight Club, American History X, The Jacket, Love Actually (don't laugh), American Beauty, and many more. 

I watched one today that hit me hard:  Requiem For A Dream.

I'm not a drug user.  Well, I drink.  But in the category of illegal drugs, I do none.  Never have, actually.  So to those of you who've seen that movie, or know what it's about, it must seem strange to you that I've indentified so closely to it.  Not so.

The character I mostly closely indentify myself with, actually, is Jared Leto's mother.  When she gets on the pills for the first time and has the conversation with her son, what she says, and how she says it, hit me incredibly hard.

She's doing her best to smile, she's doing her best to find a reason to live.  But she's alone.  She feels like she has no one.  But she's got this idea.  This thought about being on television that drives her. 

It struck me because it reminds me that we all need a reason to live.

And I'm not here to tell you I don't.  I'm also not here to tell you I do.  There is a loneliness inside me that has never been filled.  Check that, it has, but only for a few days at best, at any given time.  I understood her point of view and even empathized with it.

For those of you that know me, you can debate it up and down.  You've got this, you don't have that, blah blah blah.  It doesn't much matter, does it?  It's what a person FEELS that counts for something.  And the fact of the matter is, I feel the same way she did.

Begging for that reason to live, to exist.  To feel like you're doing more than just treading water.  I'm treading...and to some extent, that's all I've ever done...

Until Then...

Cryptically, I begin again...

Life is in a whirlwind again.  I am caught in that whirlwind.  Not always, though.  Sometimes I feel that I'm just watching it all take place.  Behind these eyes I wonder...

Wishing for hours...time.  Hours...yes, hours are what I seek...to keep my mind off of what I want...what I need...what I believe...

This whirlwind picks up only when I'm sure it has stopped for good.  My mind rationalizes it's ending.  I see it, I feel it.  The ending has come and I have accepted it.  Though it's not the case...

When I'm finally back on the ground, set down by that storm, I am beaten, I am broken.  But I accept the finality of it.  This finality is not final at all.  I am picked up once again, drifting in a direction I know nothing of...

I want this whirlwind to stop completely or continue forever.  In between serves no purpose.  Continued pain.  Continued questions.  How much longer must I wonder?

The possibility of another entering the picture has plenty to do with this insanity.  Another who was not there to begin with.  How am I to claim what I believe is mine with this possible addition?  How?!

Job 13:15.  The battle cry of a mentally beaten man.  What has become my battle cry.  I continue on.  Almost in spite...arms at my sides, raised as I do...my right wrist will be decorated with that one day.  One day...

My Song of the Moment:  "Overburdened" by Disturbed! 

Could it be...?

Lord knows I've waited so long.  An ear is gone, figuratively speaking.  There's a possibility that this nightmare does NOT end in pain and screaming.  That maybe all the pain and darkness of the nightmare isn't really a nightmare at all.

Forgive me for being hopeful.  It's only been a lifetime in the making.  A lifetime.

I've done so much wrong lately.  So many bad things.  Friends have been lost.  Permanently gone.  Some my fault, others not.  I have learned that I can't take the blame for everything.  Not everything...

Could it be through all the mistakes, the ups and downs, the good songs and bad, that maybe the best is yet to come?  That the best song is still to be written?  And written by me...

But then...could this be false hope?  Only to come crashing down upon me once again.  More pain...more anger...more sadness...It can't all be directed at me.  It can't all be caused by me...

Second place is a place for pain.  A position I no longer wish to hold.  A position I will no longer hold.  My beard is being shaved tomorrow.  For good reason.  Hope.  Hope...

I don't want to be filled with hatred and anger anymore.  Not towards anyone, most of all me.  I want to be free of all of this.  It's time to finally move on...finally...move...on...

Can you hear the octaves?  It's that song again.  The one that hasn't been written yet, but it will be.  By me.  I believe.  I believe...

Only In Dreams...A Masterpiece.  Not mine.  Mine's coming...someday...maybe even soon...

Damnit.

Yes, damnit I say.  I'm very unhappy.  In that, I'm becoming a bit happy, but it's nothing I should be happy about.  You see, I've met several people in my life who can just turn their feelings on and off as they please.  If they want to like someone, emotionally speaking, they can.  If they don't, they can flick the switch.

If they want to open themselves up, they will.  If they don't, they won't.  To me, I find that incredible.  Also incredibly sad on a lot of levels.  That you're so afraid of people, and yes, it is fear, that you can just close yourself off.  I find it sad, really.

Problem is, I'm doing that right now. 

It's cool as hell.  I always wondered why someone would want to do that.  To be able to just flick a switch and be done feeling for someone.  And now that I've done that, at least temporarily, I can understand why people find it to be such a great alternative to being hurt.  Unfortunately, I think it sucks.

I don't want to hurt.  No one does.  I hate hurting.  I don't want to feel like other people have the ability to hurt me.  But then I look at the flip side.  If people can't hurt me, if they have no access for the negative, they have no access to the positive.  People are the main factor in my life as to my ups and downs.  Certain people make me so happy that nothing in the world could bring me down.  Others I want no part of.  Or others still have hurt me deeply enough that I never want to see them again.

What it boils down to is...If I can't feel the bad, I also can't feel the good.

And when I think about it, truly, I'd rather be sensitive and easily hurt than numb to people.  It's what I am.  It's what can help me reach my highest heights...and also drop to the lowest of lows.  I don't want to fear that.  I won't fear it...

My Song of the Moment:  "Circles" by Slipknot.

Until Then...Open Your Heart.

My grandmother died yesterday.

I really don't know what to think or say.  Hell, I don't know where to begin.  I know what I did last night.  I drank.  A lot.

Yes, what an awful way to start the grieving process.  Getting fucked up.  How appropriate.  Or as my mother said last night, "So you're following in the footsteps of your family then?"  In case you can't read into that, there are plenty of alcoholics in my family.  We're Irish, what can I say?

So I drink.  I took tonight off because, realistically, there's only so much drinking one man can do.  And as you can tell, I don't necessarily feel very good about it.  Will it change how I go about doing things?  Probably not, because I'm weak. 

I'm weak and I hate it.  There aren't a lot of things I actually do like about myself.  Odd that in this time of death in my family, what I think about most is how much I don't like myself.  Selfish, I suppose.  But what can you do?

My dad is having a rough time of things, although he won't say it.  I can tell in every way he moves, acts, speaks, or doesn't speak.  I hate that too.  My dad is easily my closest family member and someone I rely on quite a bit.  I can do nothing to help him.

I want to get away.  But that'll do me about as much good as the next drink I take.  My pain is here.  My reality is here.  I have no choice but to face up to these demons that continue to haunt me. 

Through my life, I've decided that running away is the best way to deal with this pain.  I've always told myself that that wasn't the case.  That I wasn't running at all.  But the fact of the matter is, I run.  I run in the lies to myself. 

I tell myself that I don't need anyone.  I do.  That I'm not an angry person.  I am.  That I can beat my depression.  I can't. 

I don't want to be these things.  I don't want to be dependent.  I don't want to angry anymore.  Towards myself or anyone else.  I want to let it go.  I want to be ok.  I want to be what I once was...happy.  I don't want to fear that when something goes wrong I'll fall right back into this pain.

I want to feel I can be loved.

But then there are moments like these. 

I believe in the Lord.  I'm a Christian.  And this is another huge problem area for me.  I see Christians as, generally speaking, happy people.  I am not.  I pray with every ounce of my being for this to be taken from me.  But then I wonder...am I doing something wrong?  Or is this just my burden.  The "thorn in my side?"

I feel like I'm going alone.  Like the one thing I need most, the Lord, is no where near me.  And that is as scary and lonely a feeling as I can ever begin to express. 

I write this with tears in my eyes.  Literally.  If anyone can help, I ask that you do so.  If nothing, I ask that you pray for me.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I don't want to walk alone...

Until Then...

Damnit Damnit Damnit!

Yeah...lots of shit going on.  A TON, to be accurate.  And very little of it is good.  But we'll focus on the good part, for the most part.

Work, well...sooner or later, you'll hear the story.

Playin ball at least once a week.  Beautiful I say.  It's hot as balls, but it's nice to get out and run.  And show my athletic ability, of course.  Damnit Mike, you need to come home and play!

I've been kinda bored with guitar lately.  It's unfortunate, I know.  I play, don't get me wrong.  I just haven't been playing much new stuff in quite some time.  In a bit of a rut, I dare say.  I know something big is on the horizon though.  Trust me.

My grandmother is incredibly sick and in the hospital.  She doesn't have long...I'm sure I'll post more about that in the coming days, but right now, any prayers you could say for her would be great of you.  Better than great, I dare say.

To the point of this blog.  I spent the day with a marvelous woman.  And I do mean marvelous.  She's beautiful, she's cute, funny, smart, caring, and even appreciates my sense of humor.  What more could I ask for?!?!

Well...she lives a little far away.  It sucks more than you could imagine.  But on top of that...I don't know if she likes me the way I like her.  Of course that's the story of my life. 

We (I hope I can speak for her on this) had so much fun today.  It was so great to me just to walk around with her and talk to her.  And of course, I ran into plenty of people who I knew, so I got to show her off.  Did I mention she's gorgeous?!?!

I'm afraid.  So afraid.  I mean...what if I really like this girl?  Even more, what if she really likes ME?  There's a distance factor here that scares the hell out of me.  Life is so complicated right now.  I just wish there was one easy answer to ANYTHING that's going on.  Work, family, girl....

Opening yourself up is about the scariest thing I've ever known.  I haven't done it much since, well, a certain woman who treated me like absolute shit for over a year.  Probably 2.  Come to think of it, whenever she gets the chance, she STILL treats me like shit.  Who's shocked by this?  And who, of all you who know my history, couldn't guess who it is???

I just don't want to hurt right now.  That's what I ask for most.  If nothing else, to be numb, even for a little bit. 

I have a wedding to go to in Naperville in less than 2 weeks.  My date, well, I don't know that I have one.  I hope I do.  We'll see if this special woman has off, and if she can go with me.  I hope so...I really do.  I can't help but be a little cynical though...

I miss so many people.  My entire heart goes out to all of you who I love.  You know who you are.  I hope to see you all soon...

My Song of the Moment:  "Shuffle It All" by Izzy Stradlin'. 

Until Then...

Updates...

First off, a fat ass apology for not calling Big Mike back yet.  I'm a whore, what can I say?  As I'm sure you've figured out, I'm not going to be playing at the 4th this July.  Vespa doesn't really want to and to be honest, it's too damn hot.  Damn near mid 90s every day.  Thanks, but no thanks.  I'll call you soon brother.

Job is getting better.  New chick is cool.  I know her from high school.  Getting rid of the old wenches too.  That's always fun.  Hate them.  Well, no.  I really only truly dislike one.  The others are just...well...old.

Playin ball at least once a week.  Having a helluva time pulling in 6, but we make due.  Damnit Mike, come back.  We're playing at night, which is nice because it's not unbearably hot.  I'm starting to get into some kind of groove.  Nothing spectacular yet though.

Soo...To the topic of the day. 

I've been pissed off lately.  Yeah yeah, I'm always pissed off.  While that's true, it's a bit stronger than normal.  I think part of it is the heat.  Pisses me off more than you might imagine.  I hate hot.  I just want to melt and stay as far away from it as I possibly can.

And my car's air conditioning stopped working.  So of course, a 20 minute ride to work makes me want to shoot everyone who won't get the hell out of my way.  Tis a damn good thing I don't own a gun. 

I snapped at a co-worker today.  No good reason.  She's a nice girl.  I was, for lack of a better word, cranky.  And cranky isn't something I usually am.  Irritable, possibly, but not cranky.  I was downright cranky.  Pisses me off that I'm that pissed off.

Regardless, so I'm listening to GnR today.  Slash is the shit.  And on comes a song I've never really liked by them.  Now let me clear the record for a moment.  When I first started listening to GnR, there were several songs I didn't like.  And then it changed.  I began to listen more, love it more, and above all, understand it.

Nowadays, there are maybe 2 or 3 of their songs I still can't get into.  Out of a catalog of over 40 songs.  Well, I'm getting more into one of the ones I don't like.  It's called, as you may have guessed, "My Michelle."

It switches tempos.  It's strange.  It isn't an easy listen.  Not a quick ear grabber, some might say.  But I'll be damned if I wasn't just too lazy to change the song.  I was determined to listen to it and relate to it.  Give it another chance.  And it clicked.

Like a lot of their stuff, especially earlier, it's an angry one.  And maybe it's because I've been angry lately, or maybe the words finally clicked, but I understood.  And that anger became mine.

I don't view this as a bad thing.  When you can identify with a song so deeply that it becomes yours, it can become a release.  Or in this case, a display, of all the anger built up in my head from time to time.

To me, Guns were the perfect band.  Angry, with plenty to say, but occasionally, if you dug deep enough, a soft, touching moment.  And incredible skills.  This is what I strive for.  This is what I shoot for.  And by God, in time, it WILL come...

My Song of the Moment:  Duh.  Damnit.

Until Then...

So, I know it's been awhile.  For the few people that actually read this, I apologize for my hiatus.  Regardless, here I am.

Work is, well, work.  Kinda boring.  Getting a lot of reading done.  Speaks highly for me, right?  Well, there isn't much work to be done.  So I do what I do and that's good enough for me.

Haven't played basketball in so long it's ridiculous.  I want to play.  We had 6 to play last nite, so I was excited.  Then, as my friend Luck said, the "hurricane" hit.  It rained harder than it has in years, probably.  And that wasn't really what was bad.  The wind was insane.  It actually blew over trees.  Uprooted some.  Big mothers, too.  Pretty impressive.  Knocked out power in most of my town and parts of springfield as well.

I'm writing in spurts.  The guitar ability is improving daily, I think.  My left hand is finally starting to catch up.

Anyway, to the importart stuff.  It's been some time since I updated, I know.  Well, the most important thing that has happened was Big Mike came home for a few days.  We played ball.  Went to the rochester graduation.  But more than that, it was just so good to have him home.

I know he's one of the few who actually reads this.  I'll say it here for you man.  You're my brother.  It sucks ass without you here.  From basketball to band to video games.  It's just not right without you here man.  I know you have to be there but that doesn't make it any better.  I hope all is going well for you there.

On the subject of brothers...mine is getting married.  He officially proposed to Kristy this past week.  Beautiful, I know.  I'm excited for the two of them.  It's been a long wait for Kristy, I know.  It'll be wonderful, I'm sure.  Even if it is in a catholic church.  ha!

And on the topic of weddings, there's one I'm supposed to go to in July.  Problem is, I have no date.  The girl I asked over a month ago has not gotten back to me and I haven't been able to get ahold of her.  Yeah, I know, shitty.  I'd say she's avoiding me, but it's just how she is.  My unicorn.  Damnit...

Oh yeah, and I have to r.s.v.p. by...um...Thursday?  Yeah, shit.

So there you have it.  The majority of the shit that's revolving around my world.  There's more to it, I think, but for whatever reason, I feel that I shall not say it just yet.  I'll be back soon, for what that's worth.

My Song of the Moment:  "Brother" by Dark New Day.

Until Then..The Song Says It All...

Alright, I suppose I could update...

Work is ok.  Nothing great.  I'm sick.  And it's all in my lungs.  It appears to have attacked my throat as well.  My voice has been off because of it.  Then I did commentary at the show tonight and it's even worse.  I can barely speak.  It's pretty sweet.  Except it kinda hurts.

Haven't played ball in almost 3 weeks now.  Not going to this week either.  Not enough people.  Getting pudgier.  It sucks.  I'm cutting back on drinking hardcore.  Needs to be done.

Phil was home.  Good to see him.  Poon will be home all summer long.  Damn happy about that.  We'll see how things go this summer.  Who knows what lies around the corner?  I have several more weddings to go to...

So I went to a wedding today.  A wedding for a friend I've known for, damn, over 15 years.  Probably close to 18.  He was the first friend I found when my parents divorced.  We grew up together.  Literally.  It's through him that I met my brother, actually.

Needless to say, it was an emotional day.  To me, going to church, even if it's not really a service, touches me deeply.  I guess that, to some extent, I feel like I should go more often.  I feel out of touch with God sometimes.  It's when I go to church that I feel his presence and it's a reminder of what I truly need in my life.

Aaron, my friend who got married, has always been a good friend to me.  And to see him so happy...to see his bride so happy, made me want to cry.  For a lot of reasons.  Aaron is a truly exceptional man.  If anyone deserves to be happy, to be in love, it's him. 

I'm so incredibly proud to call him my friend.  And his new wife, Emily, who had met me maybe twice ever, knew who I was and thanked me for coming.  To be honest with you, that makes me want to cry right now.  To know that, even though she and I aren't close, hell we've barely ever spoken, she knew who I was and she knew what it meant to Aaron for me to be there.

And yet, a part of me is sad.  I see someone, someone I hold dear, someone who's been a damn fine friend for many years, finding the person they want to spend the rest of his life with.  It's as beautiful a thing as I've ever known.

But it makes me sad in that, I want that.  I know, it's selfish to think that way, especially on someone's wedding day, but it's a part of who I am.  I look at Aaron and think, he and I, we were, and on many levels still are, one and the same.  My friend, my boy, a brother, has found the love of his life.

And I haven't really even begun. 

I wish them both the best of luck.  Although I believe luck has nothing to do with it.  God bless them both as they continue their journey together.

My Song of the Moment:  "When Darkness Falls" by Killswitch Engage.

Until Then...

So...I think that title says it all.  It's a perfect description of how I feel about my life and where I'm at right now.

In general, I feel that all the things I want in my life, the big important things as far as I'm concerned, are not falling into place.  Falling into place isn't the right term.  That makes it sound like I'm waiting for things to happen to me, not making them happen.  I'm not.  It just doesn't appear to matter either way.

Anyone who knows me knows that music is what I want to do with my life.  And yes, I realize it's not been that long since the band broke up.  A little over a month, actually.  But that doesn't mean I'm still not mourning it, in many ways.

I don't really believe I can make it without a band.  I'm not a solo artist.  yes, I'm working on a solo project, but that's more to fill my time.  I thrive in situations with people.  It's what I do, it's what I strive for.  That comaraderie(sp?) of being with people that not only are your friends, but a family as well.  I miss that.  I miss it more than I could ever begin to explain to you.

And it's in that situation where I can do the most.  Where I can be most productive.  With guys with common goals.  Hell, as many of you saw with the last band, even with guys that DON'T have common goals.  Not to toot my own horn, but I don't think it's outlandish to say that it was mostly my will power that kept that band together.  I miss having something that I cared that passionately about to put my mind to.

Then of course, there's the lady situation.  I know, I harp on it all the time.  Leave me alone.  And, at the risk of saying something I shouldn't, there's a possibility that a girl likes me.  Holy shit, I know.  Which of course, plays on my mind.  Because I like the girl.  Duh.  But she isn't sure what, if anything, she wants to do. 

So I go back and forth in my brain all day.  Call too much?  Not enough?  Too forward?  Or too laid back?  Do I appear to know anything about what I'm doing?  I'm trying to "follow my heart" like Casey told me to do, but even then I wonder if that's the right thing.

On top of all this, my friend group is diminishing.  I've always been a guy with a large circle of friends around me.  That's tapering off and in a big way.  I'm growing apart from many of my friends, and several of them are just leaving in general.  Big Mike and Phil are gone.  Stacey and Casey won't be home this summer.  My band is gone.  I'm not pleased with the directions a couple of my friends have gone with their lives.  All in all, I'm feeling incredibly lonely.

Which brings me to the big point here.

I believe in God.  I believe he has a plan.  But I can't help but question it.  I feel like I'm doing the best I can, trying to follow Him and do what I think he'd want me to do, and I keep falling flat on my face.

There's nothing I can do.  I've begged.  I've pleaded.  Hell, I've threatened, which is ridiculous.  I've prayed until I can't anymore.  I've cried so hard I've made myself sick.  Literally.  And all the while, I'm feeling like he's leaving me here, alone.  (Ha, Here, Alone.  A PBS reference...)  I feel like I'm struggling to stay above water and he's just watching. 

I've not been very happy lately.  Save the time spent with a certain person I mentioned earlier.  I'm not saying I'm dependent upon this person to be happy.  Not at all.  I AM saying it would be nice to have something that makes me truly happy in my life right now. 

I miss my dog.  My beard is growing.  The sign of my unhappiness.  When something is resolved, everyone will know.  How?  My beard will be shaved.  Not until then.  I ask that anyone who reads this prays for me.  It doesn't appear my prayers do any good...

Song of the Moment:  "Happy?" by Mudvayne.

Until Then...

This blog is a shout out to someone who won't ever read this.  She's my "twin", and we both love the movie Eurotrip.  So if you catch any lines from that movie, it isn't a coincidence.

So I'm tired, I guess.  I'm not really.  It's a mental thing.  Emotional, I guess too.  There's a lot on my mind.  No, allow me to clarify.  There's ONE thing on my mind.  Not many of you know what it is.  I've kept it that way on purpose. 

Work is slow.  But not bad when I work with my twin.  She's the coolest.  Honestly, I think I wouldn't work there if it were not for her.  It's not a terrible job, but still...most of the people there blow.  Including the old bitch that said I was being a "smart ass" to her.  Wasn't pleased about that.  Go figure.

We didn't play ball last week and the week before that, someone hurt his ankle bad.  Out 4 to 6.  Yeah, pretty nasty.  I miss it.  And I'm getting chubby, or chubbier actually.  I've not played well lately.  Brain's kinda messed up.  And on top of that, I'm in shitty condition.  Damn.

Wrestling this saturday.  Looking forward to that, at least.

Oh, and I think I'm growing a beard.  I know, most people won't like it.  I think that's the point.  If you pay attention, and very few people do, you can tell how I'm doing mentally by watching my facial hair.  Things going well, I tend to groom more often.  Keeping to the burns and the goat.  Things not going so well, I don't shave much and get scraggly.  Now is beard time, I think.

So this one thing...it's a slow process I guess.  One filled with questions that haven't been answered.  Some that may not be.  It's scary, to say the least.

I don't know what to do.  I never do.  As a great friend told me recently, "follow your heart."  That's all I can do, I guess.  But in this situation, that doesn't do a lot.  I need patience, which is something I don't have a lot of.  I feel like I know what I want to do in my heart and that should be enough.  Apparently it's not. 

Life rarely works that way.  Whether it's with a job, a girl, or any other decision you could come up with.  So little is actually dependant on what YOU want.  People, in whatever situation you're in, have the final say on a lot of things.  I can push as hard as I want for a record contract, but if a record exec doesn't like my stuff, I'm up shit creek.

See my point?

The fact of the matter is, I'm waiting on someone else, as I've done so much in my life.  Be it with band, hoping that someone will graduate and be willing to continue on, or be it with a girl, hoping she'll come around to my feelings, or an employer, hoping that they'll see something in me that's worth hiring. 

I don't want to wait.  But as my good friend told me, I have to "follow my heart."  And in this instance, I suppose that means waiting. 

My Song of the Moment:  "Seven" by Revis.

Until Then...Follow Your Heart.

For those of you who watch REAL basketball, none of that college crap, this is the time of year for ball.  Ooooh am I happy for it!  So, as I did last year at the request of Frenchie, I shall again post my playoff predictions.  And yes, I'm aware they've already started.  Leave me alone.

Western Conference: 1st Round.

Suns Vs. Grizzlies - I know everyone thinks this is a joke.  I don't.  I know Memphis lost tonight.  I don't care.  I'm calling the Grizzlies in seven.  They're a damn good team with damn good talent.  And they all play hard.  And play defense.  They split the season series 2 to 2, and I like Memphis to win.  I hate Steve Nash.

Spurs Vs. Nuggets - Spurs in 6.  Denver won tonight.  Yeah yeah.  I see them taking one at home.  Tim Duncan won't shoot that poorly again.  I hate "Melo".

Sonics Vs. Kings - My heart says Sacremento.  The fact of the matter is, they aren't very good.  Brad Miller is beat up.  Peja is beat up.  Bibby no showed in their first game.  I don't think Seattle is very good, but I see them taking it in 5.  6 at most.

Mavs Vs. Rockets - The toughest one to call.  When Tmac decides to play, he's as good as anyone in the league.  Period.  He did in game one.  I believe he will at least half the time.  Houston in 7 in which should be the best series of the first round.

Eastern Conference:  1st Round.

Heat Vs. Nets - I love New Jersey.  I absolutely love them.  They just can't beat Miami.  They could beat anyone else.  Just not Miami.  Shaq is, well, Shaq.  And he's even better against N.J. because they have no big men.  Sucks for Jersey.  A couple of big games out of Kidd and Vince, but they'll lose in 5.  Maybe 6.

Pistons Vs. 76ers - Well, I'm biased here.  I hate Larry Brown.  And I like A.I.  I'd like to see the Sixers win.  It won't happen.  It'll go 6.  Maybe even 7, if Iverson does what he always does, which is kick ass.  Webber blows.  Pistons in 6.

Celtics Vs. Pacers - Say goodbye to Reggie Miller.  And might I say, it's about damn time.  No more of his flopping and flailing like a little woman.  A helluva coaching job by Rick Carlisle, but if they win more than 1 against Boston, I'll be shocked.  Celts in 5.

Bulls Vs. Wizards - Chicago's missing it's leading scorer.  I don't really know how they keep winning.  Scott Skiles rules.  Regardless, I see the talent of Washington coming through in what should be the best series in the East.  Washington in 6.

Western Semis:

Grizzlies Vs. Rockets - Yes, I know no one believes me.  Most people would say this will be Dallas against Phoenix.  I just don't see it.  I don't know why, leave me alone.  Rockets in 6.  Both teams will be depleted, but Memphis will have no answer for Yao and McGrady. 

Sonics Vs. Spurs - This should be a landslide.  Yes, I know Seattle makes a ton of threes.  I don't care.  Spurs in 5.

Eastern Semis:

Heat Vs. Wizards - Again, no answer for Shaq.  But I think Washington will put up a noble effort.  Their guards are outstanding.  Eddie Jones and Flash will have their hands full.  Regardless, Miami in 5.  Maybe 6.

Celtics Vs. Pistons - The Pistons have had a hard time all year.  They've never gotten into a rhythm.  And to be honest, I don't think they'll get into one now.  Boston is rock solid.  Yes, they play streaky, but when you get the right combination of guys on the court, they're deadly.  And Doc Rivers is a better coach.  Poo on anyone who says otherwise.  Celtics in 7.

Western Finals:

Spurs Vs. Rockets - Did I really say Houston will make it this far?  It's really no matter.  It doesn't matter if it's Dallas, Memphis, Houston or Phoenix, none of those teams can beat the Spurs if their healthy.  So barring any injuries, this should be a cake walk.  Spurs in 5.  6 if they play like girls.

Eastern Finals:

Heat Vs. Celtics - So, no answer for Shaq?  Yeah, just how it's been in every other series.  The Celtics will play valiantly and maybe take 2 games.  But that will be all.  Miami in 6.

NBA Finals:

Spurs Vs. Heat - The series everyone thought they would see.  And I'm predicting it will happen.  They're easily the best two teams in basketball.  So who wins?  I don't really know.  But since they pay me the big bucks (ha ha ha) to pick a winner, I'll say San Antonio in 7.  Should be a terrific series.

There you have it folks!  Don't say I didn't tell you so!

Until Then...

Soo...

I don't have much to say.  Really, it's strange, but I'm incredibly uppity right now.  Considering how low I got last night, it's a miracle I'm actually alive.  But here's to those who helped:

Casey - God bless you woman.  I love you more than I could ever put into words.  What you provide me with as a friend is more than I could ever ask of anyone I've ever known. 

Laura - You held me up when I needed it.  thanks.

Stacey - for showing me love doesn't always have to hurt.

Anyway, I just realized I usually post sad blogs.  Felt I needed a happy one.  Why am I happy?

1) I got most of my sadness out last night.  Again, thanks to those of you I named and others who helped.

2) I needed to realize, as I always do, that the Lord is in control.  And what he wants is best.  And it'll turn out that way, regardless of what I do.  So I let go...and give to him.

3) Hogan and HBK were on Raw tonite.  HBK, great christian man.  Hogan and HBK together, great posers.  Love it.

Song of the Moment - "Save the Best for Last" by Theory of a Deadman.

Until Then...