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| The First of Many... |
| 01.30.04 (10:48 pm) [edit] |
[b]From the Ashes of The Anecs comes A Drop of Rain...
This, much like my column on the Anecs, will be an uncensored look into my life. Some of you know me really well. Some of you only know parts. Some of the things I will say will make no sense. Some of the comments I make will probably hit a little closer to home than you'd like. Regardless, as my good friends Orion and Frenchie have done, I decided to keep some sort of journal and I figured that an electronic one would be the best way to go.
With that said...Delve into my mind and take from it what you will.
Lately I've been in a much darker place than normal. Some of you may say that a darker state of mind IS normal for me. Granted. Then to you this is a just a deeper, darker place. If you know me, you know that this is common for me. I go up, I go down. I have cycles and all that can really be done is to roll with it as best as possible. But this is a bit different than normal.
I'm angry. I am bitter. I'm anti-most everything. The cynic in me is out in full force. My faith in people, what there was of it, is being tested. Now before I go any further, allow me to make one thing perfectly clear: I am a part of that group. I am "people." I hold myself to no higher standard than everyone else.
Lately, as a lot of you know, I have failed. My feelings on that change with the winds and for that, I'll leave my personal feelings alone. But the fact remains that I failed. I once thought of myself as at least a solid person. That has come into question. Maybe the claims I've made about myself are all bullshit. Maybe. And to that end, I've been on a search...
As I begin to think, my will to do most tasks begins to slip away. I have not attended class in a week. My sleeping patterns begin to change. 12 on, 12 off becomes the custom of my life. I take a bit of satisfaction in being a "heel." (If you don't know that term, I'm bitter towards you too.) I just don't seem to care.
I'd like to see if my heart is turning the shade of black that I feel it is. The heel in me begins to emerge once again.
The best part? I don't mind.
My song of the Moment: "Easier to Run" by Linkin Park.
Until We Meet Again...Embrace the Heel Inside.[/b]
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