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| Weak and Powerless... |
| 02.27.04 (1:06 am) [edit] |
Again I am cursed, or maybe blessed?, with a burst of anger. Not necessarily towards anyone in particular, but maybe people as a whole. I include myself in this group, so I don't want any shit about being "Noble". I am in the same boat as everyone else.
As the events of the past couple of weeks, and maybe a bit further back than that, weigh on my mind, a quote that a good friend of mine (although he may not claim that position anymore) used to say keeps tumbling in my brain. He took it from a movie and I couldn't tell you what it was but I think of him when I hear it.
"People are Sheep."
Through my experiences and interactions with people I have realized, as most of you probably have as well, that people would rather bitch about their problems than actually do something about them. This baffles my brain. People want the pity. They want to complain. They'd rather claim to be a martyr than actually make an effort.
I hate this.
I believe that we, as a human race, are born with a pretty good ability to get the job done. We, and by that I mean most, possess enough mental and physical power to cure most of the everyday pains and problems we face. We choose not to and it pisses me off.
Yes, there are problems in everyone's lives that are out of the reach of our own hand. They are too deep and too difficult to get over or defeat by ourselves. I'm not talking about that. 95% of the problems in our lives are NOT that kind. People choose to be weak and make a bigger deal of the problems they could fix. Some people call it "drama". I don't care what you call it. It's bullshit.
Suck it up. Yeah, sure, someone who knows me is going to post a reply pointing out a perfect example of how I don't follow my own words. To you, I say two things. 1) Fuck off. 2) Go read the first paragraph. I'm in the same boat. I fail like everyone else.
My point is I'm taking a personal stand. I choose not to create "drama." I wish to take no part in it. If you choose to, that's your business, but don't make it mine and I won't make mine yours.
Be a sheep by yourself. Seek the Shepherd. If you know what I mean by that...
My Song of the Moment: "Weak and Powerless" by A Perfect Circle. I found it just too fitting for the sheep.
Until Then...Seek the Shepherd. He who has ears, let him hear.
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| Anger Rising... |
| 02.22.04 (1:16 am) [edit] |
Alright, so there wasn't much time between my last post and this one. I'm up a bit late and I've got a huge rush, and not neccessarily a good one, so I decided that another post would be in order.
I've been told by a few people who know me about as well as anyone does that I have a real "streak of anger" inside me. For quite some time, I denied it. I mean, I get angry sometimes like everyone else, but that doesn't make me an angry person. When people "wrong" me, so to speak, I have a tendancy to get angry but in general, I consider myself to be a mild mannered person. I keep a pretty level head most of the time.
Tonight is not "most of the time."
I've got a surge of pissed off energy like you wouldn't believe. I'm not precisely sure why or what caused it, but I know it's here. But I do have a theory about my anger.
It takes a lot for it to come out. I internalize quite a bit of my anger. Little by little, things build inside my head. I let them go, or so I think, but those angry thoughts are always there. Brewing, festering. The anger inside me grows.
I get pushed and stepped on enough and then, it's go time. It's unfortunate because the person or people who really cause the majority of the anger don't always get to see it. What happens is that some poor bastard who really didn't do much to me gets the full force of my anger, which by now has probably turned to rage. It's explosive and to some extent, I really like it.
But again, the problem is that the people who deserve to see and feel the anger aren't always the ones who do. Consider the last situation I was in. Yeah, the one I asked everyone not to talk about. Before I go further, some people would say I don't have a right to be angry at anyone in that situation. To you I say this:
Fuck Off.
With that out of the way, I should be angry at two people. One, the girl. If it weren't for the initial moves made by her, this whole situation may very well have never occured. The other person? Me. Interesting how that works, huh?
The problem is, I'm only pissed at myself. While that anger isn't seen by most people, it's certainly there and it's expressed in solitude. The anger I should harbor towards her, I do not. As a matter of fact, she and I seem to have less problems with each other than most people have with us, if that makes any sense. That, my dear friends, bothers me.
I'm angry at myself, again, because I should be angry at her. And really, I'm not. Maybe that's why I have this fire in the first place tonight. I'm pissed because I'm not angry at the right person. Simply put, I'm angry because I'm not angry.
Part of me really wants to destroy something right now, but really, I'll probably just sit around for a bit and then go to bed, letting the anger grow a little more. I want to focus it...
My Song of the Moment: "Pain" or "Leave" by Stereomud. Angry. Just like me.
Until Then...Feel the Rage.
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| Beat Me If You Can... |
| 02.20.04 (11:05 pm) [edit] |
Survive if I let You.
If you watched wrestling back in the mid-90's, specifically, a promotion known as ECW, you know those are the words of Taz. I'm going somewhere with this, but let me make a couple points first.
One, I took a pretty good knock on the head this week so if I don't make sense, I apologize. Two, yes, I do watch wrestling. Make fun as you wish. Three, most importantly, I am not an arrogant person.
I want to discuss confidence. I am not, as I just stated, an arrogant person. If you know me at all, you know this to be true. And yet, if you've had the opportunity, or the displeasure some might say, of getting your ass kicked by me in a competitive situation, you know that I can certainly seem that way.
Go ask Bonnee about getting her ass kicked by me in pool. Or Big Mike in video games. Even better, go talk to Glen or Frenchie about Hot Shit. Sorry folks, I had to get my shots in.
The fact of the matter is, I can talk the talk. I love to do so. It's part of what I do. Of course, that side of me only comes out when my actions back them up. Most people don't tend to like it, but as a friend, you put up with it. You realize it's part of who and what I am.
Lately, I've been using this to my advantage. It's a cycle, you see? As my actions, whatever they may be, continue to excell, I begin to talk all the more. I've been taking this in reverse. If the talking starts first, my actions follow. Get it?!
I'm psyching myself up these days. Whether it be basketball, guitar, or approaching women, I've won the game before I've even stepped on the court. I have taken a bit of strength from my recently discovered "heel status", and use that to my own advantage. Hell, as a wrestling fan I've always wanted to be a heel. It's only fitting that I am one in several people's eyes.
"Beat Me if You Can...Survive if I Let You!" were the words Taz used to speak. That's my approach to life these days. I'm ready. Bring it on.
My Song of the Moment: "The Only" by Static-X. Heavy stuff. Bang your head baby.
Until Then...Beat Me If You Can...
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| Friendship is Funny... |
| 02.16.04 (1:21 am) [edit] |
I'm almost pissed...
I haven't really had much to be angry or hurt about lately. As such, I haven't been able to be "The Rain" as I like to be and show the darker side of my personality. I know, I know, this is a good thing. But if you know me, and maybe you do, you know that the darker side of me is only a mood swing away. Rest assured, it shall return...
For the moment, I'd like to talk about something positive again. Tonight I had almost a reconciliation of sorts with an old, valued friend. I say almost because we've been in contact with each other for some time now but in a much different way than it used to be. She and I had a bit of a falling out some time ago. If you knew me back in the Anecs days, you probably followed along with that pretty well. But time has changed some things.
We got back to some of the old activities we used to do together. That means more to me than most things on this planet. Some of my greatest memories are with her playing music. It felt beautiful to get back to that. Even better, she called me by the name she used to call me, making me feel better about our situation than I had for months.
I left her house feeling satisfied but reflective. I feel that although a lot of pain came from our past, just as much good has come of it. I have learned so much from her. I'd like to think that maybe she has from me too. Regardless, a few major truths have come to light through this night, only one of which I care to share publicly.
I can only speak for myself, but I feel we've both grown a lot through the turmoil that was once our friendship. To be able to continue to be friends and to form a new bond only speaks to the strength we both have and the respect I dare say we share for each other.
I used to say I miss her. I don't feel I have to say that anymore. I know she's there for me as I am for her. I cherish that.
My Song of the Moment: "Dosed" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. She knows...
Until Then...Reach for your Friends.
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| Whatevah, I do what I want! |
| 02.11.04 (9:18 pm) [edit] |
The Rain Returns...
Alright, I'm here with what I consider very good news. Some of you may not take it that way, but truly, I feel better about this decision than most I've made in my life, so try not to burst my bubble please.
I went to the local college today that I attend, and I use the term attend very loosely, and officially dropped out of school. I saw "my people", some very good friends that I hadn't seen in some time, and had a pretty good day all around.
Now I know most people will be quick to tell me that you can't do anything in life without an education. To that, I chuckle and say, "Watch me." If you know me in any way, you know one thing for sure: I'm a musician. It's what is in my heart. More than anything else, I wake up each day to play my guitar and to improve my skills for the band.
With the decision I made official today, I'm free to be what I want to be. For years now, I've been going to school because I "should", because everyone else thought it's what I should do. In light of some of the recent events of my life, I've decided to take more accountability for myself.
I finally realized that it's not everyone else that has to live with my decisions. And so, with all due respect to everyone who's going to try and get me to go to school, I tell you to Piss Off. Seriously. You don't have to live with the decisions I make, I do. As such, I'll take accountability for myself and do what I feel is best for me.
Clearly, school isn't it right now. I'm not saying I'm never going back. What I'm saying is that I'm going to pursue my dreams and do what I feel I need to do to get there. You can support me, you can turn your back on me, it's your choice. This is what I am. This is what I choose to do.
A final note: To those of you that I feel have pushed so hard for me to go school, think about some of the situations you've been in with me. You've done what's best for you, haven't you? Well I'll do what's best for me now. You know who I'm talking to.
My Song of the Moment: "Separate" by Sevendust.
Until Then...Do like they do, Look out for yourself.
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| An Admission |
| 02.05.04 (10:58 pm) [edit] |
I'm going to go a route I don't normally travel. Let's be honest for a second. When you're writing on a site such as this you can make yourself out to sound however you'd like. In my case, most of the time that turns out to be a somewhat "darker" version of the person I truly am.
I always find that to be very soothing. I have a much darker side to me than most people get to see. It's something most people don't care to see. It's an honest side of me. So what happens when I begin to write? That darkness comes out. That part of me that no one wants to see, that no one wants to hear...it takes the forefront. It's there for "the world" to see. And I want people to see that.
Today is slightly different. Someone who refers to themself as "Newbie" pretty much tore me up in a response to my last post. My initial reaction was one of interest: Clearly it seemed that this person knew me. That they knew the situation I was alluding to. It felt like that person had a window into my soul.
Before I go further, let me make something perfectly clear. A lot of that response was bullshit. A lot of what he/she said has no merit whatsoever. It was the ramblings of a man or woman who was and is obviously offended by what I had to say. But there was a part that struck a little closer to home than I'd like.
I'm a pussy.
There, I said it. Since I'm so for honesty these days, I thought I'd make that honest comment. There's a lot in life to fear and you could say that I hold many of those fears inside. I fight those fears every day. I fight to keep them hidden. Sometimes they come to see the light of day. Today I'll bring one to light.
I don't do well with women initially. Some would say I don't do well period. I'm a shy person to start. I don't know how to initiate or keep a conversation going. Once I know someone, this tends to change. But obviously, the problem is getting to the point where I feel comfortable with them.
Unfortunately, I got too comfortable with someone I shouldn't. It doesn't matter how, or why, or what the circumstances were. I did. And dare I say she would agree that she got too close to me. We crossed a line that should never have been approached.
At that point in time, I made a decision. I felt she was worth the risk. As I rarely get that close to a woman, I felt it was worth it. She was worth it. I took that risk and fell flat on my face. And I'll be damned if it doesn't hurt.
I'm not playing mind games. I'm not trying to make one final plea. I'm admitting what I did. I'm being honest to a degree that some people in this situation haven't come close to. I deserve every bit of hatred I get. I knew what I was doing and I made my choices. To that end, I make one final point:
I regret nothing.
There's more reason to hate me. Go ahead.
My Song of the Moment is "No Excuses" by Alice In Chains. It just felt fitting.
Until Then...Embrace your Fears.
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| Honesty is Pain |
| 02.02.04 (11:49 pm) [edit] |
Round 2 folks...Lots going on, so let me get right to it.
As the title says, Honesty is Pain. Think about it. Saying the truth, all the time, every time, is about the most painful experience possible. No one does it. Ever. If you claim to, I'd probably fall on the floor laughing. Think of how many little lies we as people tell throughout the day?
Has a girl ever asked you if you liked her new haircut/clothes/purse, or something like that? What's your answer? If you're a fairly intelligent man, you'll admit that you like it. It doesn't matter what it is or what it looks like. It's what you do. You're conditioned as a person to not bring other people down. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but think of how many small lies that brings on.
Today I had to tell some of the most painful truths I've ever spoken in my life. The words I had to say and the emotions I had to discuss were 100% real and 100% my own, but to tell them and speak them aloud was something I had avoided for some time. But to me, I had no other choice. I had to tell the truth.
I admitted I loved someone today. I don't find that to be a bad thing. I'm not talking about "Have my children, let's go get married" kind of love. I was referring much more to the fact that this specific woman had been there for me in some of my most painful times. She looked out for me and took care of me when very few other people would. And for a time, she was very close to a "girlfriend".
All these things are good until you realize that she was very unavailable. But when it came out that I had told her I loved her...what did I want to say? I knew that admitting the truth would cause more pain and hurt between people that I feel close to. I pondered for a few seconds and admitted that yes, indeed I had told her that. I meant it too.
You can look at this situation in a bazillion different ways, especially if you know the specifics of the situation. That doesn't change the fact that I did and do very much care for, dare I say "love", the girl I was referring to. And from that love came the most caring statement I could make.
I told her that I wanted her to be happy, even if that wasn't with me.
I'm no saint. I'm not trying to make myself look like I'm the "good guy" here. I've fucked up plenty and I take the blame for my misdeeds. The fact is that I care enough for that girl to let her go even when I want nothing more than for her to be with me.
At the end of the day, I have to be able to look myself in the mirror with what has happened. I've done plenty of bad things in this situation, every last one of which I'll own up to. But as I look into that mirror, I realize that I told the truth and admitted my honest to God feelings.
I feel I'm a better person for it.
Song of the Moment: "Blue" by A Perfect Circle. So dark and beautiful. Just how I like it...just what I hope to find.
Until Then...Tell the Truth.
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