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| Stressful Times... |
| 03.29.04 (10:17 pm) [edit] |
Ok, so you read the title of this post and I can almost read your thoughts. You're saying, "What the hell does this kid have to be stressed about?" And you know, you're probably right. I don't have much to be stressed about. I am though. Allow me to explain.
Most of you that know me realize that friday is my birthday. If you don't know that, you damn well should. I expect many happy birthday's, damn it, even from you newbie. You know you love me.
Anyway, any holiday, or in this case, what some would call a "special occasion", has a tendancy to stress me out. I'm not sure really why this is or how exactly it started. But I have established why this happens to some extent.
I'm a creature of habit. I admit this and accept it. I don't find it to be completely bad though. To some extent I think it's a good thing. It keeps me level. Of course after I stick in a pattern for too long I have to break out of it and move onto something else. Make sense? Good.
Anyway, this is basically how it happens. I'm in my routine and it's not stale yet. I'm doing good. Feeling pretty good, not too many cares. Then all of a sudden one of these "big days" comes up and it throws me off. I have to plan stuff, which I hate. I have to figure out when I'm doing what and with who and I have to make sure I'm not leaving anyone out.
I also have to make sure the people that I find special and want to see want to spend time with me as well. Maybe that's the true cause of my stress. Now I'm sure if you're newbie you'll find this to be a perfect spot to tear me apart but I find it to be a very honest section of this post. I'm tending to my own garden, so to speak.
Regardless, I'll be drunk as hell on my birthday. Make sure you talk to me directly and many times because I'll forget a lot of it. Go figure. And if you're hot, look out, cuz I'll be on the prowl. HA!
My Song of the Moment: "I Am" by Dope. Great heaviness with some melody as well. And it's a good shout to people who don't like what you are as a person. "Fuck It I am what I am."
Until Then...Step Back from the Stress.
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| Randomness |
| 03.24.04 (2:14 am) [edit] |
Lots of strange things going on inside my head. I just haven't had the chance to put them down here lately. Let's start with something good, shall we?
One of my friends said she was sad because I hadn't posted in some time and wanted to read more from me. I appreciated that. And of course, here I am to post. Miss you Hoser...
One of the reasons I cited for not posted was because nothing negative had really gone on lately. When asked by someone why I only post the negative things I had an answer ready. I took the same approach I use for answering the question of why do I mostly write sad songs. My answer usually goes along the lines of this:
"When I'm happy, my first thought isn't to go write a song ( or post a blog), my thoughts are to go out and enjoy my happiness. To keep it going. But when I'm sad or down or angry and need a release, I turn to my guitar (or my blog)."
Make sense? Good. So of course, as soon as I say nothing bad is going on, what happens? Yep, you guessed it. Some discouraging news comes my way. So maybe I shouldn't be thanking you Hoser...kidding.
I'd rather not discuss specifically what the news was. I'll put it this way and to those of you who know me well, you should have a pretty decent idea as to what I'm referring to. I had hopes for something new and it doesn't look like it's going to go in the direction I wanted. Same old story. What can you do though? Accept it and move on, I suppose.
On a positive note, and a very positive one at that, I fell in love today. No, it wasn't with the girl I saw while out to eat tonight (although she was damn gorgeous). While out and about with my good buddy, the Poonster, I found something I had been searching for for a long time. It was right in front of me and it was perfect. I wanted nothing more than to touch it right there.
Yeah, ok, it was an amp. But it's more than just an amp! It's MY amp! It's the perfect amp for me. It's big, it's got three channels, it's 100 watts, reverb, it's made by the best amp company in the world and, best of all, it's LOUD. I know, I know, I'm going overboard. But to quote a great movie...
"It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine."
You know what I'm talking about.
My Song of the Moment: "Carvel" by John Frusciante. Weird, crazy stuff. Good thinking music.
Until Then...Enjoy the Happiness and Write About the Pain.
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| Weird Hours |
| 03.16.04 (8:38 pm) [edit] |
I've been thinking kinda crazy lately. I can't really explain why. Well, yeah I can. I'm on no kind of schedule. And even when I am, it's a very messed up one. I'm almost back to my summer routine only its March. I finally got my car back though, so maybe I can get things straightened out...maybe.
I'm not going to bed until about 5 every night. I have no problems with this. I sleep away the day and again, I have no problems with this. It's the fact that other people can't/don't keep these hours that inconvience me.
I need people. I get...weird...when I'm not around enough of them throughout a day. I need that interaction. It doesn't necessarily have to be good or bad. I just need that interaction. Someone once asked me to explain my definition of "weird" and this is what I came up with.
Have you ever seen Armageddon? You know that Russian in the space station who's been up there too long by himself? Yeah, that's me.
I've been saying I want to work for some time now. Well, it's time I actually get moving on that. I have my car back, I'm healthy (and those of you who are close to me know what I mean) and my nose is well, not bleeding. All signs point to go. It's time for me to put up or shut up and do what I said I was going to do.
On top of that, one final comment. I hate being ditched. One of the worst things you can do to me. When it happens to me consecutive days, I get even more angry. There's that streak of anger again. You want to piss me off quickly, there aren't many better ways to do so.
Song of the Moment: "New Disease" by Spineshank. That shit'll rock you. Believe it.
Until Then...Sleep the Day Away.
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| Lies and the Pain they Cause |
| 03.10.04 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
It's been a week since I've updated. Lots of things have been going on and really, I haven't been sure what it was I wanted to say or how to say it. But there's something that's on my mind and I'm going to say it.
I hate liars.
I'm not saying I've never lied. I'm not saying that I'll never lie again. But people who make a habit of it to cover their own ass piss me off. I'm so tired of it.
Don't involve me in your lies. I'm speaking to no one in particular here, so don't get your shit in a bundle. It's happened a few different times in a few different situations in my life recently and I'm tired of it. If you want to lie, leave me out of it.
That said, I'm slightly fired up right now. I'm bored and slightly annoyed. No, I'm more than slightly annoyed and unfortunately I have no real way to let it out. So...it stews. Hooray.
If you want to cause problems, go ahead. That's not my business. But when you involve me and you make me a part of your problem, then I get angry. So stop it now and let it go. Leave me alone.
On a good topic, I have many friends home this week on break. Marvelous. It's always good to see some of my old friends and to catch up with them. I may even have a car to go see some of them tomorrow! Hooray again.
Song of the Moment: "Release" by SoundLounge. TRY and rip on that song. As if you've heard it...
Until Then...Lie to Yourself, to your Friends, to Anyone you want, but Leave me out of it.
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| Emotions and the games they play... |
| 03.03.04 (12:24 am) [edit] |
My feeling is that as people, we're very needy. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but unfortunately, because of those needs, we do things we shouldn't and see things we shouldn't. Again, I'm as guilty as anyone. I fight this daily.
I'm not sure that I like the person or I like the idea of liking the person.
Sure, you can apply it to most things in life. Jobs, music, hobbies, interests, blah blah...but it's easiest to describe in the realm of love. The fact still remains that we as people fake ourselves out. We tell ourselves something long enough and loud enough in hopes that we will believe it. And it works.
People become obsessed with loving someone. So much so that they'll find someone that they'd only be moderately content with otherwise and make them into something they are not. It's ridiculously unfair to the person as well as yourself.
People are lonely. Yeah, that happens. It's a lonely world, some would say. I would agree. But that doesn't mean we have to "settle" for something or someone to have some meaning. The problem, as I see it, is that there are too many people who are afraid to be single. I'm not talking about not wanting to be single, because most single people don't really want to be that way. It's the fact that many people, subconsciously or otherwise, hate to be single so badly that they'll date and get into a relationship because they can't stand to be alone.
I find that weak. Pathetic, even.
As has been documented in the past, I've had my fair share of problems with women. A lot of them I bring upon myself. I hate being single as much as the next person. But I'm not going to force something or settle for someone just so I'm not alone. There are a lot of things you can call me, but shallow is not one of them.
A relationship is a security blanket for many people. And that's fine, I can find nothing wrong with that. But when you're in a situation where you aren't happy but stick with your blanket just because you need that security, then it's a problem. That is weakness.
My theory on weakness? Admit it. You don't have to go yelling it to the world but at least admit it to yourself. Denying your own weakness can only cause you to get into more trouble. But go figure. The people too prideful to admit their own weaknesses probably deserve the trouble that pride gets them into.
My Song of the Moment: "Haunted" by Evanescence. Damn that girl can sing...
Until Then...Accept Your Weakness.
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