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| Self Destruct |
| 04.26.04 (9:31 pm) [edit] |
So I haven't posted in awhile, I guess there hasn't been much "drama" to speak of. And as I've discussed, most of the time I post when I'm not in a happy mood. So as you might expect, happiness is not my primary feeling right now.
I'm going to do some applying and such for jobs this week. Yeah, I realize, I've said I'm going to do that for some time now. I guess I'm just ready now. If you know me, you know that I'm really only going to do what I want, when I want to. And when people begin to push, I sit. It's how I am.
People have been pushing lately and I've felt the need to push back a little bit. I realize it isn't very conventional, or smart, to do things this way, but it's what I like to do and so I shall continue.
Anyway, to the real topic at hand. I feel like I'm on the verge of some kind of big personal change. Like there's something coming, something on the horizon, and to be honest, I think I've done my best to avoid it. Change is painful. Yes, it's useful and good from time to time, but it can hurt like hell and honestly, I'm not in the mood for that.
Regardless, I feel the time coming. It's like a reverse Christmas, so to speak. You know how everything leads up to Christmas in a good way? Well this is my countdown to change, which I fear, even when I realize it's going to be for the best.
On a side note, I have a lot of pent up anger and agression. It's one of those night's where it's out and in full force. To destroy is devine, I dare say. Which is where the title of this post comes in. I'm going to open up a little bit and allow a certain person or two to attack. Have your field day.
Most of my anger is towards myself. I can't quite make myself out to be what I want. What I want to be, how I want to act, what I want to achieve, feels just slightly out of my reach. And those changes that I feel could be needed, I fear. I'm angry at myself for being afraid to change. I don't quite know how to break it. And that bothers me to a point you can't believe.
Another difficulty of the change is the people I know and associate with. It's generally accepted that I'm the "nice, easy going guy." It's also thought by a lot of people that I'll look out for others before I look out for myself (well, minus you know who.) People grow accustomed to that. When I try and break out of that, I'm treated like I'm the prick for not wanting people to walk on me.
So to me, it feels like to change, I'll have to almost start over. And I'm not looking forward to that. This leads into my Song of the Day a little too well...
"Another Day Goes By" by Dope. It's damn good and it says so much about my situation.
Until Then...Count Down the Days.
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| Departure from the Norm... |
| 04.16.04 (10:46 pm) [edit] |
Alright, so usually I like to rant and rave about the fact that I'm a walking emotional scar (right newb?), but because of a request from Mr. Frenchie, I decided to do something different. He knows I'm a big NBA fan and basketball is my game. Well the playoffs starts today, so I figure what the hell, I'll take a page out of his book and do what he'd do. Here's my NBA playoff preview.
P.S. - If you want my usual stuff, check the post from a couple days ago. Plenty there to discuss or rip on me about.
The Eastern Conference:
Ok, I'll admit it, I like the East. Yes, they're the "JV" league. No, they really can't win (or can they?). But I love'em anyway. Here we go.
[u]Opening Round[/u]
Indiana Vs. Boston - Boston is worthless because of Danny Ainge. He's been a GM for about 6 months and I find him to be one of the worst in history. Indiana is very overrated, but I take them in 5.
Miami Vs. New Orleans - New Orleans is the superior team. They have better talent, better players, better depth. Somehow, I don't see them winning. They've sucked it up the last couple of weeks and don't see that changing. Miami in 6.
Milwaukee Vs. Detroit - Milwaukee has no chance. Offense against Defense and if you know sports, you know Defense wins. Wallace boys dominate. Detroit in 5.
New York Vs. New Jersey - Alright, I'm biased. New York is my team. Unfortunately, they blow. Allan Houston is hurt and Marbury can't carry the load. If there's any health from Jason Kidd and K-Mart, NY stands no chance. Jersey in 6.
[u]Eastern Semis[/u]
If I'm right, and I think I will be, Indiana will face Miami and Detroit will face New Jersey.
Indiana Vs. Miami - Again Miami plays a more talented team. One thing they are not is outcoached. I'm a Van Gundy guy, what can I say? Taking into consideration that Jermaine O'Neal is the worst choking "superstar" in the league after Chris Webber, I like Miami. Don't ask me why. Miami in 7.
Detroit Vs. New Jersey - I love Jason Kidd and the Nets. I do not, unfortunately, see them getting back into the finals. The Wallaces are too tough and the Pistons defense is too much. Injuries for NJ won't help. Detroit in 6.
[u]Eastern Finals[/u]
Again, if I'm correct, we have Miami Vs. Detroit. Wow, not exactly a ratings grabber. Detroit plays ugly and Miami has no real identifiable stars. Regardless, Miami will be spent from a grueling series with the Pacers. I see Detroit in 5, going to the finals.
Western Conference:
Easily the more powerful conference. Harder to pick, better games. Here we go.
[u]Opening Round[/u]
Minnesota Vs. Denver - Ok, I think Anthony is very overrated. Minnesota should squash them. If Denver takes a game, I'll be impressed. Marcus Camby be damned. Minnesota in 4.
Sacremento Vs. Dallas - I'll differ to Tony Kornheiser who said, "I have no reason to justify this, but I'm going with the Kings." I agree. Sacremento, while having played terrible with Chris Webber (cough cough), has stumbled into the playoffs. They're more talented though. Dallas will put up 120 on you. Yikes. My brain says Dallas, heart says Sacremento. Kings in 7.
San Antonio Vs. Memphis - I like Memphis. No real stars, old coach. Solid team of role players who can flat out get it done. 10 guys deep. San Antonio has the best player in the game, though he's injured. My brain tells me San Antonio. I say Memphis in 7.
L.A. Vs. Houston - Shaq Vs. Yao. More importantly, Stevie Franchise Vs. Kobe. If Kobe decides to show, L.A. wins. Houston has enough talent and heart to win. Just not enough brains. Give'em two years. Lakers in 6.
[u]Western Semis[/u]
Again, if I'm correct...
Minnesota Vs. Sacremento - If Sacremento is lucky enough to get by Dallas, they won't beat Minnesota. Minnesota is too good, too deep, and they have my favorite choker (no, not choke ARTIST), Latrell Sprewell. He's missed in NY! Minnesota in 5.
Memphis Vs. L.A. - Let's be honest for a second. This should be a squash. But I'll give Memphis two games because of heart and good coaching. They are, unfortunately, undermatched. L.A. in 6.
[u]Western Finals[/u]
What many people would deem to be the "Real NBA Finals", Minnesota Vs. the Lakers. Minnesota has the league's MVP this year and he, along with the rest of the team, will have confidence riding into the big series. L.A., on the other hand, will be in trouble with injuries building and Kobe coming and going. I see Minnesota in 6.
[u]NBA Finals[/u]
Ok, if I'm right, and damn it, I should be, the NBA finals will be Detroit vs. Minnesota. I can't really analyze this. I don't really know what more to say but simply this: I like Detroit. Yep, I'm picking an Eastern Conference team. I'm an idiot, agreed. New NBA champions, the Detroit Pistons. They win in 7 in what should be a helluva series.
Alright, I'm done. Song of the Moment: "Last Train Home" by The LostProphets. Ohhhh yeah.
Until Then...Catch Playoff Fever!!
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| A bit Angry... |
| 04.14.04 (5:20 pm) [edit] |
I start with a strong statement:
Fuck the in between game.
It's been on my mind for awhile now so I thought I'd throw it out there. There are several people that I know who have a very "in between" relationship with me. I hate it and don't want to play that anymore. I did it once, and you know what I'm talking about, and everyone saw how that turned out. I don't want to go that route again.
See the thing is, I'm forward and I'm obvious. I don't try to hide feelings for someone. If someone's flirting with me that I dig, I'm going to flirt back and you're going to know it. If I dig someone, you're going to know it too. I'm not a hard person to read because I don't want to be. It's easy to just leave things out in the open. I don't mind doing things that way. It takes a lot of the guessing game out of life. I hate guessing.
The problem is, girls play on that. They can tell exactly what I'm doing because, as was just established, I don't like to hide feelings. So they'll realize that I think they're cute, like them, whatever, and use it. And they'll flirt back but not really mean it. As my good friend would say, "Unacceptable!" I don't care for that treatment.
It's even better when it's someone I know really well. So they can be friendly when they want to be a friend but, in the event they need it, they can play on feelings. How kind of them. I have a few friends who do that. They should know exactly who they are.
Now that I back away and try and keep it on one level, they get mad because I don't call them enough or don't do enough with them. We, the chick and I, have established a type of interaction that benefits them and when I try and back away from that, they don't like it. Tough shit. I'm done hurting myself for anyone else.
We have made this situation and now I'm going to do what I can to make it right. If you have a problem with that, whoever you are, then do something about it. I refuse the in between game.
My Song of the Moment: "Synthetic" by Spineshank.
"Still I waste another day of my life/And it sickens me to feel this way/Now I can't make up my mind, is this right/How I let you get inside of me?"
Until Then...I Stay Away.
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| I am still alive... |
| 04.10.04 (1:02 pm) [edit] |
So it's been awhile since I've had the chance to post on here. On top of that, I've been having computer problems. Regardless, I'm back with a brief overview of what I've been up to lately.
I'd like to thank everyone who wished me a happy birthday. It was a rather enjoyable night and, believe it or not, I didn't really get that drunk. Ok, so I was drunk. But I've been much worse(better?) in my life. Thanks to everyone who showed up, got me anything, sent me a card, or made a phone call. You all rule. Especially you newbie.
Speaking of Mr./Miss Newbie, I think he/she does like me a little bit. As much as he/she likes to badger me and such, I think there's a bit of love in there. Don't worry newbie, you can still bash me all you want. We can still call each other names and make comments about each other. It's how our relationship works, right? God, I hope you caught that joke...
You know what sucks? Teasing. If you're going to pretend like you're interested in someone or something but are really just leading someone on, you suck. A little bit is good. A lot is shitty. Keep that in mind.
Band practice has been marvelous. My ears were ringing from it last night. There's nothing like being loud and going nuts to some songs we've written. They're damn good too, if I say so myself.
I want Taco Hell. Anybody know when it opens? Damn it! I want Taco Hell and Bonnee's too cool to go to the closest one with me. Something about homework. Panzy. Heh.
On a final note, remember what the holiday is really about tomorrow. Easter isn't about bunnies...although I do like the chocolate ones. Remember the reason, and no, I'm not talking about that terrible Poopastank song.
Song of the Moment: "Avoiding the Angel" by Dave Navarro. Go check the lyrics. So good.
Until Then...Enjoy the Chocolate, but Remember the Reason!
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