Normally, I do updates first.  Right now, I'm just really fired up and don't really care to do so.  Something's on my mind and I don't want to talk about anything else.

I hate being a babysitter.  I HATE IT.  There are certain situations where people should give a damn, should give a shit, should give something, because it's important to them, and they don't.  It's at that point in time where I have to step in and go, "Now let's do this" or, "Let's work on this."  I don't want to have to do that all the time.

Especially when those people claim it's something they care about.  If you care, like you claim you do, then do something about it.  Don't wait until the last minute only to find out that you're shut out.  That's not how you treat things that you claim to care about. 

A huge burden is on my shoulders regarding a few different subjects and I'm sick of it.  Absolutely fucking sick of it.  Especially when it's regarding something that is so near and dear and vital to my own life.  When others claim that it is as well, you'd expect them to act like it.  

Most of the time, they don't.

I'm so sick of it.  If you're reading this, and you think you're one of those people, then you probably are.  Quit leaving me to do all the work and hanging me out to dry.  If you give a damn, then do something about it.  Take some responsibility and do what needs to be done.

My Song of the Moment: Would? by Alice in Chains.

Until Then...Take Responsibility.

I don't understand people.  Let me get into that in just a second.  Allow me to update slightly.

The job makes me want to die every morning.  The work isn't that bad.  It's work, it's physical, but it isn't killer or anything.  But at 5 in the morning?  That, my dear good friends, makes me want to die.  On my last two days off, I've slept 15 and 16 hours straight, respectively.  Such a beautiful feeling to sleep that long.  Makes you have to pee really bad though.

Now that I have money, I'll buy even more CDs.  That said, allow me to talk about my most recent purchase:  Thornley, "Come Again."  I saw them open for Finger Eleven and I have to tell you, I was damn impressed.  Their cd has some good stuff on it.  Not the best cd I've ever bought, but in this climate of BAD rock, it does wonders for the soul.

That said, I ran into another "you're a great guy but..." situation.  Let's be honest, I don't listen after I hear that.  She admittedly made up an excuse or two anyway.  Who's to say the next one is the "honest" reason?  I personally don't give a shit right now.  Little hurt, but I think that's the standard sting.  Oh well.  Such is life.

That said, I don't know why people feel the need to continue to try and hurt someone.  Look, there are plenty of people I've hurt in my life.  It happens.  Never once, NOT ONCE, have I continued to try and hurt someone deeper.  To make the wound deeper. 

That's not entirely true.  I've tried on many occasions to hurt my step dad in anyway I can think of.  Doesn't usually work though.  Damn him and his lack of heart.

Regardless, there are people in my life, some who I haven't even spoken to in months, who still go out of their way to hurt me.  They find ways to try and take shots at me.  Why?  What's the point in that?  Do you hate me that much?  Did I hurt you that deeply?  Maybe I did and this is the only way you feel ok with yourself.  To try and burn me deeper. 

I'm sorry to tell you.  I'm as burned by any of you as I will ever be.  You can only give so much and take so much before there's nothing left.  My emotions, good or bad, for you are dried up.  I'm really sorry things have gone the way they have.  With any of you.  But such is life.

Anyway...My Song of the Moment:  "Come Again" by Thornley.  So good, damnit!

Until Then...

Ok, so the band had it's last show at the state fair today.  I have to tell you, it wasn't all that I had hoped for.  But allow me to regress some and speak on the experience as a whole.

First allow me to point out that I'm so damn tired I can't really think straight.  If this post doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I apologize.  The job has me up and at work at 5 in the morning, and most days thats more than I can handle.  Done multiple days in a row, I feel like dying.  Done while having shows during the week...well, you get the idea.

Our first show, which was Sunday, was sparsely populated and we didn't play especially well.  Jitters got in the way, I'd say.  We were all a bit nervous and timid and it showed.  As I was determined not to allow that to happen again, we rallied for the show on Tuesday.

And rally we did.  Tuesday's show was easily the best show I've ever been a part of.  We were all clicking and our singer was hitting most every note he was going for.  It was such an incredible night, with some incredible people in attendance, and I loved it.  It was that kind of night that made me believe that there was nothing else on this planet that I should be doing.

I was sure Thursday would be more of the same.  I was ready to go.  I was fired up.  The only thing that could stop us was the weather.  And it did.  Damnit.  It rained like hell around our start time.  It took the energy right out of us.  Our motivations just seemed to slip away.  We played alright, certainly better than Sunday, but it felt like a major let down following the fireworks of Tuesday.

That said, I'm so tired I can barely stand up.  I have to work at 5 in the morning and I've got a bunch of crap to do tomorrow.  Crap that I don't want to do.  Oh well...

I hate my job.  The moment I can find another one, I'm gone.  I need sleep so badly it's disgusting.  Wednesday, which was my day off, I slept 15 hours.  My dad woke me up.  That's 15 straight hours without even getting up to take a leak.  I was pretty proud.  Anyway, to bed I go.

And to those who like to say they'll come hear the band and don't...I'm disappointed.  Some very special people to me said they would be there and weren't.  Oh well, what can you do...

My Song of the Moment:  "Still Remains" by STP.  I'm still fully in love w/that song.

Until Then...Embrace the Music.

So...first, let's get the crap out of the way.  I've got a job now.  I know, impressive, isn't it?  Yeah Yeah, leave me alone.  We'll see how long it lasts.  More specificially, we'll see how long I last in the "real world."  Oh well, come visit me.  Shopko.  wahoo.

Now, not crap.  Reminders, Main Street Stage, August 15th at 7, 17th at 7, and 19th at 4.  I've been told its right next to the main gate.  Look for us at those times.  We rule.  GOOD stuff planned.

And to the topic of today's post, Life Changing Experiences.  You, the reader, will most likely laugh at my little experience today.  Fine, do so, I don't care.  It's a personal thing, but I'm going to share it with you anyway.  If you choose to laugh, then you suck.

I went to a concert today.  One of the top 5 I've ever seen.  And I've seen over 25 in my day.  So I'll take that.  Who was it?  Finger Eleven, the best active band on the planet.  My neck hurts, my ears are ringing, and I stink (I assume).  And I feel better than I have in months.

As if it were needed, this solidified why specifically I want to be in a band for the rest of my life.  Why music is what I will choose to do as my profession.  There was something so beautiful, as there always in at a concert like that, about being part of the crowd.  A smaller crowd, where the band members can see you.  Can play to you.  Where you're a huge part of the show.

James Black pointed at the group I was in, 4 or 5 of us, a couple of times.  We were louder, and jumping more and higher, than anyone else there.  He noticed.  To me, that's what being in a band is about.  His music, the stuff he writes, elicits such a reaction in fans that you can do nothing but be sucked into it.  And he respected the respect we have for him and his music.  A perfect relationship of band and fan.  I want that, I want to have that closeness.  I want to write songs that effect people as deeply as his do to me. 

They also played a song I didn't know they would play.  It's called "Thousand Mile Wish."  If you haven't heard it, it's amazing, something everyone should hear at least once in their life.  It was as beautiful as I had hoped, maybe moreso.  But that's not the real point.

That song once, and to some extent still does, had a very strong emotional connection to it.  It was a song I used to listen to and think, dream, about someone.  She knows who she is.  As the song was being played, a multitude of emotions came over me, as I knew they would.

I felt sad, I felt pain.  Maybe, MAYBE, even some regret.  But that changed halfway through the song.  I felt past experience and knowledge and, most of all, I felt love.  It may not be there anymore.  It doesn't have to be.  That song was a perfect representation of where she and I once were.  And I guess, in that moment, I became ok with it. 

I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not upset.  I'm ok with what happened and I accept it, finally.  Things happen for a reason, I truly believe that.  A lot of hurt happened, but for the first time in a long time, I could see that there was, at least at some point, some love there too. 

I'm not trying to reconcile.  Don't know that I'd want to.  Quite sure she doesn't.  I guess this was just my way of saying that I understand. 

My Song of the Moment:  "Absent Elements" by Finger Eleven. 

Until Then...