Smello All...

Been a crazy ass week.  Tired as hell and I only worked two days.  I know, what a panzy.  Don't have to tell me.  The loneliness has been there pretty much in full force, except for last night.  Things changed last night, and changed for the better.

Slow, brief change.  Nothing spectacular.  Wait wait wait...WAS spectacular, but wasn't anything that will make a spectacular change in my life.  We clear on that?  Good.

Applying for at least two new jobs.  Hoorah.  OOOH!  Wrestling tomorrow nite.  That would be the 25th.  http://www.newmidwest.com" title="http://www.newmidwest.com" target="_blank"http://www.newmidwest.com  Go there, it'll give you directions and such.  I'll be doing commentary, but will be free to sign autographs after the show.  You know you wanna go.

That said, going to do something that could be perceived as "a little gay."  Oh well, I think it's kinda interesting.  I got it from the lovely and talented Miss Casey, so all credit goes to her if it's cool.  I'll let her post do the explaining.

"Describe yourself using song titles from ONE artist:"

Simple enough, eh?  I'll probably do a couple bands.  Yes, I am that bored.

Finger Eleven

Describe yourself: Sick Of It All
How do some people feel about you: Carousel
How do you feel about yourself: Awake And Dreaming
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Absent Elements
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: (don't have one) so Thousand Mile Wish - DON'T take that the wrong way.
Describe where you want to be: Above
Describe what you want to be: Famous
Describe how you live: Drag You Down
Describe how you love: Obvious Heart
Share A Few Words of Wisdom: Stay In Shadow

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Describe yourself: Transcending
How do some people feel about you: Warped   & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   How do you feel about yourself: Don't Forget Me
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Tearjerker
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: (don't have one) Suck My Kiss
Describe where you want to be: Road Trippin' or On Mercury, either will do
Describe what you want to be: Naked In The Rain
Describe how you live: Can't Stop
Describe how you love: Easily (So Damn True)
Share A Few Words of Wisdom: Throw Away Your Television

Slash (Gn'R, Velvet Revolver, Snakepit)

Describe yourself: Estranged
How do some people feel about you: One In A Million
How do you feel about yourself: Lower
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Bad Obession
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: (don't have one) You Could Be Mine
Describe where you want to be: Paradise City, of course
Describe what you want to be: Be the Ball   &nb sp;   &nbs p;     ;         & nbsp;   &n bsp;   &nb sp;   &nbs p; Describe how you live: Back and Forth Again
Describe how you love: Think About You
Share A Few Words of Wisdom: Back Off Bitch

No Velvet Revolver, I note.  Wonder Why........

Jerry Cantrell  (Solo and Alice In Chains)

Describe yourself: Down In A Hole
How do some people feel about you: Castaway
How do you feel about yourself: Solitude
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Angel Eyes
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: (don't have one) Gone
Describe where you want to be: Heaven Beside You
Describe what you want to be: Over Now
Describe how you live: No Excuses
Describe how you love: Locked On
Share A Few Words of Wisdom: Get Born Again (Not a Christian reference when they said it, but it is for me here, now.)

There you have it. 

My Song of the Moment:  Any of the ones listed above.

Until Then...

I'm tired, should be in bed.  What else is new?  Working in the morning, but why would I go to bed early?  That would take too much common sense, wouldn't it?  Anyway, I don't really know what's on my mind, so I'm going to just let it go.

But not without updates first!  ha!

The old J-O-B wants me to work overnites soon.  Let me tell you how much I want to do that.  Ready for it?  Not at all.  I'm officially in the market for a new job.  Anybody have any good ideas, or even bad ones?  Let me know.

I've received a few demos of the newly recorded band stuff.  When this stuff is fully mixed and ready, watch out.  It will indeed blow you away.  At least, that's my hope.  It's my heart and soul out there for anyone to take.  Just be gentle.  Please.

Nothing else of real importance in the update department.  What can I say, not a lot going on.

But as the title says, I've got the itch again.  You know that whole loneliness thing I last posted about?  Well, it's been getting better.  Not as bad, anyway.  I find that the more I sleep, the better I feel.  I know, genius, right?  Tonight though, is a step backward.

Just a bunch of stupid stuff going on that isn't worth getting into.  And then, I dunno...after basketball today, I had that terribly empty feeling going on.  It strikes me at odd times.  Such as today, I suppose, when my best effort wasn't enough.  I hate that.  HATE IT.  I acted like a damn 4 year old, pissed off, cussing and throwing a fit.  My kind of move.  So embarrassed.

I've got a great set of songs in the works though.  It deals, indirectly, with these feelings.  It's actually two songs that will relate to each other in their own small ways.  One is the positive sides of a certain relationship I've had with someone and the other is the negative.  So when you're feeling "in love" or whatever, there's the first one.  But when everything's gone to hell and you feel like I do most of the time, there is the second one.  I think they're really going to impress people.  Hope so.

One person in particular I want to impress with it, but I doubt she's even listening.  Such is life.  Such is my life, some might say.  I would probably be one of those people.  What can you do sometimes...?

My Song of the Moment:  "Alt.End" by the Cure. 

Until Then...I want this to be the end...

This will be quite the theraputic post for me, I believe.  Lots of little things I'd like to talk about, so we'll get to them before I get to the "meat", so to speak.

First off, I hate my job.  My bosses...they are idiots.  Usually, I refer to them as much worse, but we'll keep my language down for the moment.  They make ridiculous decisions that affect all of the "little people," a group to which I belong.  Money is good...but I'd rather take less for a job that doesn't suck.

My knee hurts.  Still.  Again.  It appears to be around the area of a ligament.  Don't ask me which one, I can't remember where the ACL and the MCL are.  Whichever one is the inside one though, it's buggin me.  Bad.  I have a basketball game thursday, so we'll see how it holds up.  Or if it does.  Hear that snap?  Yeah...my knee.

I'm in a drought.  Hardcore.  Prospects?  None.  Other than that last little happening, the situation not worth getting into, there haven't been any prospects for most of the summer.  Damnit.  Damnit again. 

That said, to the title track, so to speak.  For those of you who know the band, you know we have a song called "Here, Alone."  Most of the songs written by me (lyrically speaking) deal with females and how I don't like most of the situations that they are involved in.  This, on the other hand, is not. 

It's about loneliness, sadness, my depression.  The things that, honestly, plague my pysche.  Granted, I allow that to happen.  I allow those feelings to take over.  But the effect is still the same.  Which is where I am today.  Allow me to share a thought from work today.

I was unloading a big truck with a good friend of mine.  A couple other guys were working too, but it was mostly my friend and I.  My friend, well, he's been my boy for over 15 years.  A close friend who I'll call my "second brother", only to my true brother, Ty.  He's been there for me, as I'd like to think I have been for him, for most of our collective lives.  And yet, as we were working, there was an air of hurt between us.  There was pain, sorrow, loneliness in the two of us.  And as I sat there, I was filled with the most amazing feeling.

I am totally alone.

Alright, I'm not.  Very rarely is anyone completely and totally alone.  But it's how I feel.  I was sitting there, with my good friend of over 15 years, and I felt as hollow and alone as I've ever felt.  Period.  It was at that time that I began to dive into my own brain.

Loneliness is the most prevelant, and longest lasting, feeling of my life.  Not happiness.  Not joy.  Not anger.  Not sadness.  Loneliness.  I have, for the better part of 21 years, felt alone.  And I sat there, with one of my best friends in the world, and felt totally isolated.

This loneliness is mine.  For better or for worse, I am bound to it.  Bound by my own mind and my own feelings.  Until I choose to free myself, I will forever be Here, Alone.

My Song of the Moment:  Not to plug my own band, but... "Here, Alone" by PBS.  You know it...

Until Then...I Don't Care to Stand Here On My Own