Updates...Work starts at 4 a.m. from here on out.  Have I mentioned I need a new job?  NEED.  This'll kill me.  Did last time.  Oh joy.  How I can hardly wait.

Basketball won tonite by forfeit.  We got to play anyway.  Lot's of messing around.  Good fun.  It's good to play and not have to be so competitive all the time.  Just to remember why it is I enjoy basketball in the first place. 

As far as baseball goes, it's over.  The World Series?  Not happening this year, as far as I know of.  Did they go on strike?  Because I don't know of anymore baseball going on.  Oh wait, it's two teams I hate.  I can only hope they find a way to have them both lose.  I won't watch, I'll tell you that much.

Alcohol consumption has been cut down.  That's nice.  Not drinking as much as I had been, which is good.  Week by week, I tell you.  Although last week, for Aubrey's birthday, we all went dancing.  Fantastic time.  Getting smashed enough to dance is great.  I'm not a particularly good dancer, but I have rhythm.  As such, it makes me better than most white boys out there.  Wahoo!

That said, I think I've got a fantastic, albeit painful topic today.  It's one I considered not sharing at all.  It's not something I've told anyone, so you, my viewing public, will be the first to know.  Ha.

I've got a song.  Yeah, I know, I've written plenty.  Well, this one I've had for awhile.  Matter of fact, probably close to a year now.  It's finished, musically, and has been for about as long as it's been in existence.  It came quickly and with great inspiration.  That, unfortunately, happens to be the problem.

It's inspired by, well, the woman I used to claim to be the "most beautiful woman in the world."  Not to say that she isn't still, but I haven't seen her in some time.  I haven't contacted her, short of drunkenly calling her once or twice, since before the summer.  She, in turn, has made no effort to keep in touch with me either.  I haven't heard her voice since probably before my birthday (April). 

By the way, it's not, um, the one I don't like anymore.  You know what I mean.  Damnit!  Off topic!

Anyway, this song is one of my favorites.  But I fear writing the lyrics.  I want them to express what I've felt for her since, well, probably my junior year of high school.  Therein lies the problem.  I don't know that I can do that.  I've been putting this off for awhile, but I think I've figured out how to write the lyrics that will do justice to this woman and my feelings.

I'm going to intentionally hurt myself.

HEY!  Don't get all upset by that.  I'm not talking physically.  No No!  It's an emotional thing.  I'm going to take myself to a place that is, as much as I can make it, fully her.  How, you say?  Why I'm glad you asked!

I'm going to surround myself with everything that reminds me of her.  Everything that is, to me, in some way shape or form, a piece of her.  I'm going to take myself to a place where she and I have been and I'm going to take my guitar, play the song, and write lyrics until they fit.I'll fill my brain with every memory, good and bad, until the truth comes out in the lyrics. 

Hopefully then, I'll be able to purge myself of what will, unfortunately, never be.  And I'll have a reminder of the entire feeling.

My Song of the Moment:  "Farther" by Outspoken. 

Until Then...Embraces Your Memories

Updates...

I'm scheduled for 9 hours next week.  Yeah, NINE.  I sleep more than that in a day.  What the hell...I need a new job.  Bad.  Just some place that'll pay me.  Please?  Anybody got any ideas?  Let me know, you'll be my official hero.

That, of course, leaves plenty of time for other things.  Such as, you ask?  Beer.  Lots and lots of beer.  I'm consuming it at a record rate, for me anyway, and it shows.  Lots of hangovers and such.  Bloodshot eyes and a screwed up stomach.  Go figure.

My basketball team got its ass kicked on thursday.  My mom wanted me to buy a present for my step dad.  I laughed.  Literally.  I'm still bitterly alone.  I dream shitty dreams.  This paragraph is random.  I want some happiness.

Onto the main topic at hand.  Gilby Clarke.  How many of you know who he is?  Show of hands?  That's what I thought, not enough.  He was the second rhythm guitarist for Gn'R, rhythm for Slash's Snakepit, and has his own band.  He has a song that I love, but we'll get to that.

If you could say one thing to God, what would that be?  If he were sitting right next to you and could look you directly in the eye as you speak your peace, what would it be?  What is that one sentence, that one topic, that one question, that burns inside you that you'd want to say or tell God?

To me, there's a lot I'd like to say.  There's even more I'd like to ask, but I'm going to stay away from asking.  We'll only deal with the one statement.  I was just thinking, randomly of course, as I'm hungover, and listening to music on my computer.  Who came up?  A damn good guitar player and underrated singer. 

Gilby Clarke.

And what song was playing?

MY one comment I'd say to God.  It's the title of the song.  "Cure Me or Kill Me."

Don't take that the wrong way.  I'm not going to go doing something stupid.  But clearly, I'm in a funk.  And I have been for, um, well, 21 years now?  I'm so sick of feeling this way.  I'm so tired of hurting and feeling alone.  I'm tired of this depression.  And it's beating me, again.  I can't stop it.  I'm tired of this ride.  So tired. 

If I could look God in the eye and could only say one thing to him, it would be that.  "Cure Me or Kill Me."

My song of the Moment:  No surprise..."Cure Me Or Kill Me" by Gilby Clarke.

If you've got something YOU would want to say to God, with your one thing, what would it be?  I want comments.  Feedback please.

Until Then...

Update time!  I've had a 4 day weekend.  Wahoo!  It just makes work that much harder to go back to, unfortunately.  Guess I should be thankful for the 4 I had off, huh?  Yeah, yeah.  Applied for a couple of jobs recently though.  Haven't heard from them.  Hoping I do.  Praying I do, actually.  Still better than being in school though!

My mind has been going nuts lately.  Literally.  I'm constantly in creative mode.  Songs are coming from everywhere.  Musical ideas, lyrical ideas, anything and everything.  I've almost taken it as a personal challenge to up my song writing abilities for the "second album", the daunting "sophomore effort."  Clearly I'm only 1/4 of the band, but I bring in a lot of the original ideas.  As I said, it's almost a personal challenge to bring in better sounding stuff to the boys so they can mold it and make it good.  I don't know where I'd be without them.

I've slept like poo lately.  Could be the alcohol.  It does that to me.  And I've been doing my little 3-5 day binge things.  It's what I do.  Then I back away because clearly what I'm doing isn't smart.  Oh well.

That said, onto the topic O' the day.  Before anyone is scared, if anyone is, I didn't have a brush with death.  Well, not MY death.  My grandmother has a dog.  Always had, as long as I've known her.  She has to have a dog.  She doesn't like anyone.  Her company, for the most part, is her dog.  That's fine, I guess.  She's been that way for 70+ years, as far as I can tell, so I don't think she'll change now.

Anyway, the dog, which was 12, had to be put down today.  My grandmother apparently wasn't doing very well with it and I went over there with my dad to take care of her and then bring the dog on it's last trip. 

Let me get something straight.  I didn't really like the dog.  It's a chocolate lab, which you'd think would be a fantastic dog.  No.  It was mean as hell.  Slobers everywhere.  Weighed too much.  Wasn't really a cool dog to be around.  But I had known it since I was about 10 and had accepted it.  It wasn't like my own dog, but it was a dog that was "a part of the family", in it's odd sort of way.  Just that family member nobody really likes.

So I went with my dad to the vet.  I was there when we had it put to sleep.  My dad asked if I would rather stay outside while it was done and I denied that option.

I did it for several reasons I think.  First and probably foremost, because my dog is getting old.  It's something I will have to deal with.  She will die.  Second, because I wouldn't want to do it alone if I were my dad, even though he didn't particularly like the dog either.  Third, to keep the dog as comfortable as possible for it's last few minutes.  And Fourth, because I think everyone should have to go through something like this.

I've been fortunate.  I've not had any real close relatives die to me.  Actually, I've not had anyone really close to me die.  People I've known, people I've loved, yes, but nobody I saw on a regular basis.  I guess I just needed a reminder.  That there's a time where we will all be tired, and old, and suffering, and ready to go.  That dog was ready to go.  It was only right to end it's pain.

It's a small reminder of our own mortality.  One I think I needed. 

My Song of the Moment:  "Suffering" by Soil. 

Until Then...

I don't want to update.  This whole post may not make a lot of sense, I'm tired, it's late, and I don't care.  I hurt.

I'm sitting here, partly because I got The Tweak the other day and partly because I'm alone, and I'm thinking about this one flaw I have.  Some may not call it a flaw, but I most certainly do.  It tears at me on a daily basis and it's something I can't get away from.  It's not just a character trait, it is quite possibly the biggest part of me.

My soft heart.

The fact of the matter is, when I get it in my head that I love someone, or that I care for someone, or that someone means something to me, they have an advantage over me.  You see, when I feel that way, you can walk on me.  You can walk all over me, actually. 

People that I should hate, absolutely fucking HATE, I can't.  And I want to.  I want to more than you could imagine.  I want to be vindictive and spiteful and hateful.  I want to be able to go out of my way to hurt the people that have hurt me the most.  And I can't. 

As a matter of fact, if they came to me tomorrow and apologized, or even if they didn't, they just wanted to talk, I'd be there.  Sure, I'd put up a front like I was pissed.  The fact of the matter is, once you're in my heart, you can do what you want.

Even worse, some people know it.  They know they can do with me as they please.  And I am their pawn.  I want to fight it.  I try to fight it.  I lose.  Every fucking time.  I want to crumble.  Collapse.  Just let it all go and not care.  To float away and let this terrible ride take me where it wants.

I can't. 

Song of the Moment: "A Ghost Between Us" by Lacuna Coil.

Until Then...Pick Up the Pieces.