Well boys and girls, Christmas is officially over.  So I thought I'd check in and let each and every one of you know how I'm doing.  I know you all want to know, so here goes...

Best Buy - Outstanding.  I've never been this happy with a job in my life.  Granted, it's only the second one, but I can't imagine being a whole lot happier with "grunt work," so to speak.  I'm dealing with people most of the day and it continues to get better.  And I work with a cute chick.  More on her later...

Basketball - I'm not playing any lately and it's pissing me off.  Too cold and no place indoors to play.  Needless to say, I'm a little more than slightly unhappy about this.  I need my interaction and competition. 

Band - Not a damn thing has been done lately.  Kinda pissed about it, to be honest.  It seems like the last few times Dirt has been home, we haven't been able to do much.  Granted, it's been around the holidays, but that doesn't make it better.  I know people are busy, but we need to get our shit in gear.  Myself included.

Sooo...now that that crap's out of the way, how about a little rundown of what my Christmas was like, eh?  Indeed.

Christmas Eve, I still had shopping to do.  I also had to go to Best Buy to pick up my money.  Yeah, money rules.  So I go.  Not too busy during the day, believe it or not.  I get a present for my dad and see this girl.  Her name's, well, it isn't important.  But it's Kate.  Anyway, I had worked with her several times and I liked her.  Yep, liked her a lot.  Beautiful green eyes.  And this red hair...anyway.  I had made up my mind I was going to ask her out.  Yep, I was gonna grow balls and go for it.  So how did it turn out, you ask?  Well, I got shot down.

It wasn't terrible.  Clearly I wasn't all that happy, but I didn't let it show.  It actually pisses me off a little more now thinking about it then it did then.  I was hurt, clearly, but just happy that I had done it, and done it with confidence.  I was determined not to let it keep me down.  It was Christmas Eve, damnit, and I was going to try and be happy.  Unfortunately, that wasn't to be.

I went to my mom's.  Throughout the day, my stomach had been a little upset.  I hadn't eaten a damn thing.  It's not all that irregular for me though.  So I eat at my mom's.  No problem, doing ok.  Figure I'll go upstairs for a minute.  Wait, wait...not ok.  Problem.  Where's the bathroom again?

You get the idea.  I got sick.  Bad.  Somehow, after losing pretty much everything in my system (Yes, I know you don't care to know that) I found the strength to drive home.  I don't think it was strength so much as the fact that I didn't want to stay there.  I wanted to be comfortable and sleep, two things that would not come in abundance if I stayed.  So I made it home and went to bed around 7.  Yep, you heard me, 7.  That's p.m.  Got up at noon the next day.  Fantastic, huh?

So it's Christmas and I'm opening stuff and actually had a pretty good time with my dad.  I was still feeling kinda shitty (pardon the pun) from the day before, but I managed to have a rather good day.  Especially good, considering the circumstances of the day before.  We went to a movie and actually watched another one when we got home.  A lot of movies for a short time span, but that's about all the energy I had.

So here it is, the day after Christmas.  Technically, I suppose it's 2 days after now because of the time.  I don't really care.  I should reflect. 

Christmas is typically the most stressful, not to mention painful, part of my year.  It typically starts around thanksgiving and lasts through New Years.  I haven't made it that far yet but I'm thinking I will.  Lord willing, there shall be no major breakdown.  I still feel kind of lonely and occasionally, that girl named Kate will drift into my brain.  But I didn't know her that well anyway, so it wasn't like being shot down by someone like, um, well...pick a girl.  And if you're a chick reading this, and you feel slightly uneasy about that, you probably should.  Ha!  Sorry...sort of.

I feel I'm making strides, regardless of how small they may be.  I guess the main conclusion I've come to now is, it's not enough to just "survive" life.  That has been my way of thinking for several years now.  I just wanted to make it through.  My goal now...for what it's worth, is to experience it.  My confidence, while not overflowing, is growing.  Slowly.  And day by day, I'm learning to live the life I believe I was meant to live.  Lord willing, it shall continue.

Song of the Moment:  "Soul Bleed" by Damageplan.  Yeah, a sad song.  Although I'm not sad.  Just for Dimebag...he will be missed.

Until Then...

I'm so tired...

I'm not working a ton at best buy.  Enough, though.  It wears me out.  I just think I'm not really in a good groove yet.  Oh well. 

We may very well have played the last outdoor basketball game of the year.  It was f'n cold.  Windy as hell.  It was good though.  It was nice to be with the boys and do what we do.  I didn't play particularly well and actually got myself out of the game.  Mentally, I lost it at one point.  I just screwed up enough that my will to compete basically diminished.  Pisser, to be sure.

I've not written shit in so long.  It's pissing me off.  I'll come up with ideas and then discard them.  Nothing's really clicking at this point.  Need my damn bass player home.  You hear that Dirt?!?!  If you're reading this, your ass needs to get home.  A couple good creative sessions would do me wonders.

I got rejected.  Yep, that's my big deal right now.  Of course I don't post without a big deal, right?  Or at least something...

It sounded part genuine and part excuse.  Hell, I don't know.  You know me, confidence isn't particularly my strong point.  I think I'll just leave it be.  I figure she knows where I stand, eh?  If she's interested, and that would be cool, then she knows how I feel.  Just get that slight sinking feeling though. 

But then again, I am a pussy.

Not to mention a walking emotional scar. 

Damnit!  I need to patent that.  I know, I know, I didn't come up with it.  But still, it's what someone called me once and I kinda liked it.  It's the truth, more or less.  I handled it well though.  Didn't go cry or something.  Just went about what I had to do.  Yeah, I know, big deal.  Shutup, I'm a puss, recall?  The fact that it didn't bother me, or that I didn't show it, is a small victory for me.  Small, but a victory nonetheless.

Wrestling this saturday for anybody interested.  Should be a helluva show.  Go to www.newmidwest.com for directions.  You can figure it out from there.  The boys bust their ass.  And, well, I'll be doing commentary at least.

That is, of course, after I work from 7:15 to 3:15 and most of that time with the girl who just shot me down.  Long f'n day, man...

My Song of the Moment:  "Sway" by the Lost Prophets.  Fantastic song and I just got the songbook so I've been playing it.  Why, you ask?  Because I'm a stud...at least on the guitar...

Until Then...You Sway...

I can't believe what I'm about to write.  No updates, no normal musings.  Something completely vulnerable and straight from my heart.  I share because I feel I should.  The story starts like this...

Holly and I were hanging out recently.  We decided to rent a movie.  I wanted Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  She wanted, if you couldn't guess, Love Actually.  I pitched a fit.  Literally.  For the most part, I hate romantic comedies.  To make things worse, they usually make me hate being alone a little more.  Topping it all off, it has Hugh Grant in it.  A sure sign that the movie will blow.

I continued to pitch a fit but eventually gave in.  So we head back to my house to watch it and what happens?  We get a call to go hang with my brother.  So we do.  Only problem is, I went to Blockbuster as opposed to Hollywood video.  Their movies cost $3, as opposed to $1. 

She and I don't get to watch it and probably wouldn't this week.  But damnit, I paid $3 for that damn thing.  I was also incredibly bored.  So what did I do tonight?  I watched it.  Begrudgingly to myself.

Not many movies have touched me that deeply.  Yep, I admit it.  I was touched by a Hugh Grant movie.  It made me hate being alone and be filled with hope all at once.  It explores every side of love from basically every angle you could come up with.  More than once, I watched the screen painfully.  Why, you ask?  Because I've been that dumb.  What was happening on screen was so close to situations I've been in in my life that I had to wince.  I'm sure most people would find themselves doing the same thing.

I can't honestly describe what I feel inside right now.  There are people I haven't talked to in months, years even that I want to call and express my love for.  Just to let them know.  Oppositely, there are wounds that have healed themselves that have resurfaced.  Somewhere in the middle of all that confusion, you will find me. 

The best part?  It all takes place within 5 weeks of Christmas.  Right here, right now. 

Go to your local video store and rent it.  It's worth $3.  I hope you get the enjoyment, and the emotional journey, out of it as I did.

God Bless.