Ok, so that title's only half true.  I really just didn't want that really unhappy blog up there as the first thing that people might see.  I'm actually feeling much better, mentally speaking, but unfortunately, I'm now sick.  It sucks ass.  But what can you do?  Drink lots of orange juice and gatorade, I suppose.

Nothin new on the job hunt.  I've been busy feeling sick and watching movies. 

Got a basketball game tonight.  We're 0-2 so far, but by God, we're going to win tonight.  How do I know this, you ask?  Sometimes, you just know.  I played pretty well Sunday, despite the sickness, so I'm thinking we'll be ready.

Somethin else going on these days:  I'm giving up drinking.  Well, not really.  And not forever.  But at least until I get a new job.  Money's kinda tight without a job and, well, drinking is expensive.  Plus, when I drink a lot, I wake up the next day not wanting to do anything.  So I figured maybe I should stop for awhile so that I'll be more motivated to get a job.  Sound good?  Thought so too.

On a rare commentary on a movie, I feel that Fight Club is one of the defining films of this generation.  I don't know one male that doesn't feel like he is being spoken directly to when Brad Pitt does his speech about how we're all raised to believe we'll be "movie gods and rock stars...but we won't.  Slowly we're learning that." 

An elder of sorts asked me the other day why there is so much anger in "my generation."  I found it to be an interesting question.  Have any ideas?  I have my own theories, but unless I get some thoughts from others, I'm not sharing.  Ha!  Let me know what you think.

That's all for today.  Short, I know. 

Song of the Moment:  "Love Song" by The Cure, even though I've hit a terrible dry spell.  Damn.

Until Then...

Updates, shall we?

I have no job.  Yeah, I feel pretty useless about it.  Fuckin' sucks, really.  I can't imagine how I used to do this all the time.  I can't imagine feeling satisfied with a day filled with this little amount of shit.  I'm going crazy.

Basketball is back in session and I'm oh so proud to announce that we're 0 and 2 to start the season.  Despite playing well in both games, most of my teammates have found ways to lose.  And no, I'm not just pushing the blame off on others.  They really have stunk up the joint.

Speaking of joint, it's always good to hang around people who smoke weed.  Clearly, I don't, and it pisses me off to see people I'm close to walking around in a daze all the time because they can't handle shit.  FUCK OFF, I handle it.  I don't walk around with glazed eyes all day long.

I have no prospects.  Not a god...damn...one.  Really disturbing.  You know, I've noticed my language has been much more foul lately.  Wonder why that is?  Oh yeah, it's because nothing is going well right now.

I have basically 2 friends I see on a regular basis.  And if you know me, and most of you reading this do, you know that I need people around.  Couple that with the fact that I have no job, and, wahoo!, I see no one.  Literally.  I get kinda messed up in the head.  Go figure.

Another thing that's pissing me off:  A friend of mine is taking all the girls.  Granted, he isn't trying to, but it's happening regardless.  And I can't not hang with this friend, otherwise I'll have only one person I hang with, and he works until 11 most nights (my brother.)  Nothing pisses me off than being overlooked and not given a chance.  And what keeps happening?  Exactly that.

I'm a good guy, damnit!  Most of the time, anyway.  And not one chick has given me a chance.  Fan-fucking-tastic.  And to watch them just not even give me the time of day for my friend who's JUST LIKE ME pisses me off.  We're the same damn person, most of the time.  But chicks think he looks better so why go for the worthless fucking friend, huh?  Go wingman.  Eat Shit.

Until tonight, I'd at least been buzzed 6, or maybe 7 I can't remember, straight nights.  Why do I do this?  Because I'm unhappy.  I got piss ass drunk last night and watched another girl that I had really liked go for my friend.  I hated it.  Absolutely hated it.  I was so drunk I asked her to slap me.  hard.  She half ass did so, but then I asked her to do so again, and to hit me harder.  She wouldn't do it.  I just wanted a different kind of pain.

So I had been doing much better.  Not anymore.  I'm unhappy as fuck and tired.  I don't even want to drink anymore.  I just do because I keep hoping it'll make this shit go away.  It doesn't.  Fuck.  Maybe I can bang my head into some shit...

My Song of the Moment:  "Getting Away With Murder" by Papa Roach.

Until Then...

As a side note, realize that here is where I can let everything out.  Maybe it isn't all that bad, but it sure feels that way.  Realize it's just every sadness, every pain, and every hurt and magnified. 

Yours Truly, the Walking Emotional Scar

I don't want to update.  I don't want to speak on any of the normal stuff I do.  I had a moment last night and by God, I'm going to share it with you.  No more scandals, no more problems with friends or women I used to like, just the honest to God truth.

I want to talk about Unicorns.  Yep, Unicorns.  Everyone knows what a Unicorn is, right?  The horse with the horn on it's head?  Well, it's a metaphor that I use.  You see, Unicorns, as far as legend goes, cannot be caught.  That thought intrigued me.  Why, you ask?

Everyone has a Unicorn.

Some people have more than one, but most people have just one.  I, of course, have one.  And that's where this story begins.

Most of you who know me know who my Unicorn is.  If you don't, well, that's not my fault.  Think back to high school.  Or college.  Or anything else.  As soon as I met this woman, at least 5 years ago, she's made an impact on my life, whether she wanted to or not.  It started slow, I don't mind telling you.  I wasn't smitten from the get go.  That's not to say I wasn't attracted, but it was a slow, natural process.

I recall talking to Poon one day about her, as I was becoming truly interested, and said, "Dude...she's hot!"  He looked at me and went, "Yeah, I know."  As if I was an idiot for not noticing sooner.  From that day on, as I had every day before that, I wanted to know more.  Everything I could find out, I did.  Any chance I had to be with or around her, I took it.  Everything I found, everything I saw, I liked.

And by God, it's continued to grow.  Eventually, she was single.  I felt I was in a good frame of mind.  Not sad and even a bit confident.  So I asked her out.  And I was shot down.  She put me down gently, which I appreciated.  She knew exactly how I felt.  I didn't hide it.  I couldn't have if I wanted to.

I went home dejected but not destroyed.  I had my chance, I took it, and it didn't go as I had hoped.  Nothing more I can do, right?  Well, not exactly...

I forgot about her for awhile.  I went after other girls, and got shot down by other girls, and continued to live rather well without her around.  And then she'd pop up in my head.  Randomly.  In a dream, even.  And I began to realize that I wasn't totally over her.  Maybe I wasn't over her at all.  But what can you do?  I knew how she felt and I wasn't going to change that, as much as I would've liked to.  So I did about the only thing I could think of...

I avoided her.

Not a real manly or smooth decision, right?  I know, but I didn't know what else to do.  And so time went by.  Yeah, she'd pop into my head.  But I did a good job of keeping her in the deepest part of my mind, knowing that I couldn't get her completely out of there anyway.  I wasn't real happy with it, but I didn't know what else to do.

So she comes home for break.  Poon's home.  I think I'll call her.  I don't really want to, but I do.  I do more than anything.  Regardless, she doesn't answer.  Alright, no harm done.  She calls me back a few days later.  It's like nothing's ever been wrong.  We decide we'll go out to a movie soon.  Fine, grand.  Hadn't heard from her since and didn't really know if I wanted to or not. 

Fast forward to, um, yesterday.  I'm out drinking, right?  Me and a good homie.  I have to pee, of course.  I get up and turn the corner to go to the bathroom and guess who I'm face to face with.  My unicorn.  I honest to God didn't know what to do.  My jaw, I think, dropped.  I was flabbergasted.  I said hello and gave her a hug.  I told her I had to go to the bathroom (that should tell you how badly I had to pee) and that I'd be right back.

She proceeded to sit with me and the homie and talk.  It was grand.  I didn't know what to do, but I knew that the person sitting next to me, the one I hadn't spoken to in approximately 7 months, I loved.  Maybe not in the way I did, as I don't really know her now, but something's still there.  I felt it and it only grew stronger the longer she sat there.

When we decided to go, I gave her another hug.  I can't fully explain to you what this felt like.  To me, it was a small piece of heaven.  And I knew it, drunk as I was.  I whispered to her, "I miss you...and you're still my favorite."  I didn't even realize what I was saying.

Today I'm sober and I think about it.  I didn't say I loved her, or that she was the greatest woman of all time or anything like that.  I said, drunkenly, that she was my favorite.  And she is. 

And just like that, after a brief moment, my Unicorn got away.  Never to be captured, at least by me anyway.  But that doesn't mean that in some way, some small way, that I don't still seek her out, every day.

I got called into work today.  Not such a bad thing.  I didn't want to get up, obviously, but I figured it would be nice to pick up some extra hours, right?  Especially when it's my supervisor who is calling off.  So I got my ass out of bed as quickly as I could and went to work.

Good stuff, right?  Yeah, not too bad.  I was actually alone all day.  The only person in my department.  I didn't do too badly.  Only a few things really threw me off.  Overall though, I thought I did rather well.  Mid morning though, something happened.

I thought I saw an angel.

Ok, so I use that term clearly to specify a person.  I shook my head in disbelief.  It couldn't have been who I thought I was.  She was in the distance, it couldn't have been her.  I tried to shake it, but I couldn't.  I knew who I saw.  Continually I told myself it wasn't her.

It was.

She seemed happy to see me.  Lord knows I was happy to see her.  I got her number, which is good.  Finding out once again that she wants no relationship and that she only wants to be friends...not good.  I figured I'd be honest about the whole situation.  I said it could possible be a problem.  Shit, it has been in the past.  It's out there that I like her.  That I clearly want her.  Sure, we can be "friends," but let's be honest, it's always there.  It's always in my head.

I didn't call her tonight.  I don't know that I'll call her tomorrow, or any day for that matter.  I know what you're saying, I should.  I don't want to be friends though.  That's not what I set out for.  I made that abundantly clear from the beginning.  And I'll be damned if I'm going to let this turn into another situation like the one with...um...her.  You know who.

I know exactly what I'll be getting myself into.  A situation in which I can't win.  Go fucking figure.  And yet what will I do?  The same thing I've done every other God Damn time in my life.  Cave so that the girl is happy.  Why?  Why would I do that?  I just can't again...I really can't...

I'm hurting either way.  I've let myself get too interested without confirmation of those feelings being reciprocated.  Shit...

On top of all that, it appears that at least another girl is interested in my "pimp friend."  Oh good.  Fan-fucking-tasting.  I don't think he is, but what's it matter?  Just being overlooked one more time.  Kind of a trend, if you ask me, and not one I wish to continue.  But why shouldn't it?  Nothing else seems to change...

Song of the Moment:  "The End of Heartache" by Killswitch Engage.  So fitting, wouldn't you say?

Until Then...

Hey, um, yeah...

Clearly, that was written in a total moment of emotional anguish.  The post just before this.  Look, I'm hurting.  I do a lot.  That doesn't make it right for me to lash out. 

I cried.  A lot.  I cried so hard I didn't know what to do with myself.  It's kind of standard operating procedure for me.  Shit builds up and it comes out in some way or another.  This was an outburst.

That's not to say that I'm not hurt by what's going on.  Far from it.  I'm just overreacting, as I knew I was when I wrote it.  I have not deleted it for the sole purpose of remembering.

To me, with each time I'm rejected by someone who I truly like, it gets a little tougher.  It's kind of like the pain of that reaction piled onto every other rejection I've ever felt.  Two in one day, plus alcohol, plus the pains of the holidays, and there you have it.

No excuses.  I overreacted to pain I was feeling.  But look at the words and realize it's just a magnification of how I truly feel.  It's all there.  Just in your face and explosive and in the moment. 

I apologize to anyone it may have hurt or offended.

Yes, I woke up on the wrong side of the Earth today.  Not pleased with this whole existence thing, as it stands.

I may have no job.  So that's lovely.  Makes me feel all warm and tingly inside, don't know about you.  Yes, I knew I was only seasonal when I got the job, but that doesn't make me any happier about it now.

I was supposed to go to meet a girl from work last night.  I was there, she was not.  That's a problem, as far as I see it.  Not real happy about it.  I'm sure there's probably some good reason for it though (read: she doesn't like me.)  All this positive work I've been doing lately, it's all going down in flames.  I just don't care.

I just finished the Dave Navarro book.  It's called "Don't Try This At Home."  And although it claims it doesn't glorify drugs, in some ways I think it does.  I'm not saying I'm going to go pick up the crack pipe or anything, but it makes me want to drink.  A lot.  He had heroin, I should at least have my alcohol.

I want to get as fucked up as possible.  Why, you ask?  I don't want to really be here right now.  I don't want to be living this life.  I've noticed that recently when I drink, I don't remember near as much of the night before.  And I think that's how I want it.  I don't want to remember.  If I can get away, if I can forget, if only for a little bit, it makes life slightly more bearable.

Let's put a little more out there, shall we?

A girl that I had liked for, oh geez, shit, I don't know, 6 months or more, came out to eat with me and a friend last night.  Gravy, right?  I'm a little drunk, all is well, right?  Nice to find out that, within that hour long of company, she's ready to jump him.  Literally.  She told me as much.  I don't hear from him today.  Whatever, that's fine.  I find out though, through the girl, that he's already called her tonight.

Oh good.  A girl I had no chance with, a girl who wouldn't give me a fucking chance is ready to give it up to him after about an hour.  God Damn, don't I feel wonderful?  Just fucking peachy, right?

Call me jealous, fine.  Call me an asshole.  Fine.  Call me whatever you want.  I can't really feel any more inadequate than I do right now, so I'm going to piss on whatever parade I can find. 

I'm 0 for my life.  Fuck off.  Fuck each and every thing that comes into my life.  I want to drink, and I want to lose touch with reality, and I want to write songs.  I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to do anything but get as fucked up as I can and ignore the rest of the world.

I should shut myself off.  Lord knows I want.  I want to be just like some people I know who will block off their hearts and never let someone in.  But I can't, it's not in me.  So I'm going to continue to hurt.  To cry.  To die. 

Feel free to tell me I'm overreacting.  You can say that all you want.  Everyone has their cross to bear.  Everyone has their own perception of the reality they exist in.  This is mine.  I'll never quite fit in, I'll never quite be accepted, and I'll never quite be loved. 

I feel as though God has left me to fend for myself...

Song of the Moment:  "Very Little Daylight" by Dave Navarro.

Until Then...