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I gotta be honest with you, I haven't felt this fucked up in quite some time.
As many of you may know, or some of you may not, the final pale blue sky show was this past weekend. The weather was somewhere between pisspoor and absolutely terrible. It was salvaged, dare I say, by my will power. Which is rather fitting because, to be honest, that band has been held together for quite some time by my will alone.
When a decision had to made about where to move to, or whether or not we even could put on a show, it fell directly upon my shoulders. Yes, Dirt stepped up and made a suggestion. Quite thankful for that, actually. But the fact remains that the show went on because I pushed. And the people that were there were there because I pushed.
The show itself went well, I think. A few screw up's here and there, but nothing too major. I was quite pleased to see everyone who showed up. To that end, I have to say I was extremely disappointed in many of the people who did not attend. Because to say that some of the people who didn't show up were important is an understatement. Actually, it is THE mother of an understatement.
There are some people, some that I SPECIFICALLY wrote to or got ahold of to say, "Hey, it would mean so much to me if you were there." And a damn good bit of them didn't care to show. Hell, a lot of them didn't call afterwards, write an email, or make any form of contact.
I have to be honest right here. I'm emotional as hell right now so let me put it as simple as possible. To those of you who weren't there: Fuck you.
So I know you're going, "That's pretty harsh." Yeah, well, maybe it is. You don't understand. To me, I left a piece of my soul there. That show is something that cannot be repeated. That band is something I won't get back. Regardless of how many bands I play in for the rest of my life, THAT ONE is gone. Forever. And there were some particularly important parts and points that I wanted to share with certain people. The same certain people who didn't care enough to show up.
As ridiculous as it'll sound, there are some things that I can only show and express through my music. Through being on stage. And you people, and you know who you are, you KNOW that. And I wanted you to see that. I begged to show you. And I wasn't worth that to you. Those songs, those emotions, that SOUL wasn't enough. Am I mad? Damn right.
On top of that, despite all the preparation I felt I'd made to make sure I wasn't too hurt and broken when this band broke up, it didn't do a damn bit of good. I'm fucked up right now. I'm having a hard time doing a lot of things in my life because I just don't care. That band was more than a band to me. It was a marriage. It was a family. And a large part of how I defined myself was through my music and that family. That's gone now. Laugh all you want, but I need to grieve like anyone else...
On top of all this, relationships with friends are strained, to say the least. Very few can comprehend how I feel and even less care. One friend in particular, well, he and I haven't been on the same page in months. And I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't know how to be anything but a dick to him. And he'd rather smoke weed than be a friend. To an extent, no no, fuck that, to a great degree, I feel he chooses smoking weed over having me as a friend. God Bless America.
And the cherry on it all? There's a girl I like. And I don't just like her. I'm smitten. I'm stupid, head over heels for this girl. It's ridiculous. As a matter of fact, I haven't been this stupid for a girl since, well, we'll call her "B". Take that how you want.
So that messes with my head. How can't it? She, like any woman I've ever liked, sends me strange, mixed signals. I don't want to go through this shit to find out she doesn't give a damn. I'm almost trying NOT to like her at this point. If she does like me, that's outstanding. But I don't want to get myself into a situation that will end up hurting.
She's wounded, like me. I imagine most people have their wounds of some sort or another. Hers are deep. They may even match mine sometimes. Not that any two people can be hurt the "same", but the degree to which it affects a person can be gauged, I think.
So of course I have friends that tell me she's the best thing for me in the world. She's sympathetic, just as I am. She has a good heart that gets hurt too often, just like me. And then I have friends who say the exact opposite. She's fucked up. You can do better. Blah blah.
The fact of the matter is, at this point, I feel empty. Like there's clearly something missing inside of me. Call it part band, part loveless, and part lack of faith, which appears to be shot at the moment. I'm fucked in the head...
As a side note, dealing with the faith...I could never give up on my faith. I guess you could say I'm almost "at ends" with God. Granted, he knows just a slight bit more than me, but a human can only comprehend so much. At this point, there seems to be a huge shit storm coming my way, and I don't see any reason or purpose for it. And I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like I'm getting silence on the other end.
I can't do this alone.
My Song of the Moment: "No Surprise" by Theory of a Deadman.
Until Then...It Ain't No Surprise...That You Won't Give Me What I Need...
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