This blog is a shout out to someone who won't ever read this.  She's my "twin", and we both love the movie Eurotrip.  So if you catch any lines from that movie, it isn't a coincidence.

So I'm tired, I guess.  I'm not really.  It's a mental thing.  Emotional, I guess too.  There's a lot on my mind.  No, allow me to clarify.  There's ONE thing on my mind.  Not many of you know what it is.  I've kept it that way on purpose. 

Work is slow.  But not bad when I work with my twin.  She's the coolest.  Honestly, I think I wouldn't work there if it were not for her.  It's not a terrible job, but still...most of the people there blow.  Including the old bitch that said I was being a "smart ass" to her.  Wasn't pleased about that.  Go figure.

We didn't play ball last week and the week before that, someone hurt his ankle bad.  Out 4 to 6.  Yeah, pretty nasty.  I miss it.  And I'm getting chubby, or chubbier actually.  I've not played well lately.  Brain's kinda messed up.  And on top of that, I'm in shitty condition.  Damn.

Wrestling this saturday.  Looking forward to that, at least.

Oh, and I think I'm growing a beard.  I know, most people won't like it.  I think that's the point.  If you pay attention, and very few people do, you can tell how I'm doing mentally by watching my facial hair.  Things going well, I tend to groom more often.  Keeping to the burns and the goat.  Things not going so well, I don't shave much and get scraggly.  Now is beard time, I think.

So this one thing...it's a slow process I guess.  One filled with questions that haven't been answered.  Some that may not be.  It's scary, to say the least.

I don't know what to do.  I never do.  As a great friend told me recently, "follow your heart."  That's all I can do, I guess.  But in this situation, that doesn't do a lot.  I need patience, which is something I don't have a lot of.  I feel like I know what I want to do in my heart and that should be enough.  Apparently it's not. 

Life rarely works that way.  Whether it's with a job, a girl, or any other decision you could come up with.  So little is actually dependant on what YOU want.  People, in whatever situation you're in, have the final say on a lot of things.  I can push as hard as I want for a record contract, but if a record exec doesn't like my stuff, I'm up shit creek.

See my point?

The fact of the matter is, I'm waiting on someone else, as I've done so much in my life.  Be it with band, hoping that someone will graduate and be willing to continue on, or be it with a girl, hoping she'll come around to my feelings, or an employer, hoping that they'll see something in me that's worth hiring. 

I don't want to wait.  But as my good friend told me, I have to "follow my heart."  And in this instance, I suppose that means waiting. 

My Song of the Moment:  "Seven" by Revis.

Until Then...Follow Your Heart.

For those of you who watch REAL basketball, none of that college crap, this is the time of year for ball.  Ooooh am I happy for it!  So, as I did last year at the request of Frenchie, I shall again post my playoff predictions.  And yes, I'm aware they've already started.  Leave me alone.

Western Conference: 1st Round.

Suns Vs. Grizzlies - I know everyone thinks this is a joke.  I don't.  I know Memphis lost tonight.  I don't care.  I'm calling the Grizzlies in seven.  They're a damn good team with damn good talent.  And they all play hard.  And play defense.  They split the season series 2 to 2, and I like Memphis to win.  I hate Steve Nash.

Spurs Vs. Nuggets - Spurs in 6.  Denver won tonight.  Yeah yeah.  I see them taking one at home.  Tim Duncan won't shoot that poorly again.  I hate "Melo".

Sonics Vs. Kings - My heart says Sacremento.  The fact of the matter is, they aren't very good.  Brad Miller is beat up.  Peja is beat up.  Bibby no showed in their first game.  I don't think Seattle is very good, but I see them taking it in 5.  6 at most.

Mavs Vs. Rockets - The toughest one to call.  When Tmac decides to play, he's as good as anyone in the league.  Period.  He did in game one.  I believe he will at least half the time.  Houston in 7 in which should be the best series of the first round.

Eastern Conference:  1st Round.

Heat Vs. Nets - I love New Jersey.  I absolutely love them.  They just can't beat Miami.  They could beat anyone else.  Just not Miami.  Shaq is, well, Shaq.  And he's even better against N.J. because they have no big men.  Sucks for Jersey.  A couple of big games out of Kidd and Vince, but they'll lose in 5.  Maybe 6.

Pistons Vs. 76ers - Well, I'm biased here.  I hate Larry Brown.  And I like A.I.  I'd like to see the Sixers win.  It won't happen.  It'll go 6.  Maybe even 7, if Iverson does what he always does, which is kick ass.  Webber blows.  Pistons in 6.

Celtics Vs. Pacers - Say goodbye to Reggie Miller.  And might I say, it's about damn time.  No more of his flopping and flailing like a little woman.  A helluva coaching job by Rick Carlisle, but if they win more than 1 against Boston, I'll be shocked.  Celts in 5.

Bulls Vs. Wizards - Chicago's missing it's leading scorer.  I don't really know how they keep winning.  Scott Skiles rules.  Regardless, I see the talent of Washington coming through in what should be the best series in the East.  Washington in 6.

Western Semis:

Grizzlies Vs. Rockets - Yes, I know no one believes me.  Most people would say this will be Dallas against Phoenix.  I just don't see it.  I don't know why, leave me alone.  Rockets in 6.  Both teams will be depleted, but Memphis will have no answer for Yao and McGrady. 

Sonics Vs. Spurs - This should be a landslide.  Yes, I know Seattle makes a ton of threes.  I don't care.  Spurs in 5.

Eastern Semis:

Heat Vs. Wizards - Again, no answer for Shaq.  But I think Washington will put up a noble effort.  Their guards are outstanding.  Eddie Jones and Flash will have their hands full.  Regardless, Miami in 5.  Maybe 6.

Celtics Vs. Pistons - The Pistons have had a hard time all year.  They've never gotten into a rhythm.  And to be honest, I don't think they'll get into one now.  Boston is rock solid.  Yes, they play streaky, but when you get the right combination of guys on the court, they're deadly.  And Doc Rivers is a better coach.  Poo on anyone who says otherwise.  Celtics in 7.

Western Finals:

Spurs Vs. Rockets - Did I really say Houston will make it this far?  It's really no matter.  It doesn't matter if it's Dallas, Memphis, Houston or Phoenix, none of those teams can beat the Spurs if their healthy.  So barring any injuries, this should be a cake walk.  Spurs in 5.  6 if they play like girls.

Eastern Finals:

Heat Vs. Celtics - So, no answer for Shaq?  Yeah, just how it's been in every other series.  The Celtics will play valiantly and maybe take 2 games.  But that will be all.  Miami in 6.

NBA Finals:

Spurs Vs. Heat - The series everyone thought they would see.  And I'm predicting it will happen.  They're easily the best two teams in basketball.  So who wins?  I don't really know.  But since they pay me the big bucks (ha ha ha) to pick a winner, I'll say San Antonio in 7.  Should be a terrific series.

There you have it folks!  Don't say I didn't tell you so!

Until Then...

Soo...

I don't have much to say.  Really, it's strange, but I'm incredibly uppity right now.  Considering how low I got last night, it's a miracle I'm actually alive.  But here's to those who helped:

Casey - God bless you woman.  I love you more than I could ever put into words.  What you provide me with as a friend is more than I could ever ask of anyone I've ever known. 

Laura - You held me up when I needed it.  thanks.

Stacey - for showing me love doesn't always have to hurt.

Anyway, I just realized I usually post sad blogs.  Felt I needed a happy one.  Why am I happy?

1) I got most of my sadness out last night.  Again, thanks to those of you I named and others who helped.

2) I needed to realize, as I always do, that the Lord is in control.  And what he wants is best.  And it'll turn out that way, regardless of what I do.  So I let go...and give to him.

3) Hogan and HBK were on Raw tonite.  HBK, great christian man.  Hogan and HBK together, great posers.  Love it.

Song of the Moment - "Save the Best for Last" by Theory of a Deadman.

Until Then...

I don't care to update.

This is as random as anything I'll ever post will get.  I'm so tired.  I feel shitty.  A couple friends are shit heads.  Fuckers.  They are the kind of guys that make me hate people.  They give guys bad names because all they do is fuck around and treat girls like shit.  He wasn't always that way...

I hate drinking.  I don't want to drink ever again.  EVER.  I'm not hungover.  That has nothing to do with anything.  I just don't want to drink.  I'm sure I will.  Fucking alcoholic whore.  I'm such a weak piece of shit somedays.

And girls, don't get me started on them.  Could I choose worse?  Maybe I could just look for the most fucked up person I can find and go, "hey, you, let me fall in love with you."  I'm an idiot.  I don't want to live somedays.

Honest to God, I have to work tomorrow.  4 hours of that will be by myself.  BY MYSELF.  Do you know what that will do to me?  I need people to keep my mind off of all the shit that makes me hurt.  4 hours.  Over half my shift.  Are you shitting me?  Why don't you just ask me to die?

I haven't head butted anything lately.  I want to.  I can't punch things because if I break my hand, I can't play guitar.  If I can't play guitar, I'll be far more up shit creek than ever.  So I headbutt.  I like the dizzy feeling.  If you look closely at the door leading to my garage, there are dents.  Yeah, those are my fucking head. 

How did I get this bitter...?

Why do I hold onto pain...?

Will I ever let it go?  Can I ever escape it?  I'm so weak right now.  I may cry tonight.  Cry until I can't see.  Sounds like a plan...

Song of the Moment:  Anything sad off the new Theory of a Deadman cd. 

Until Then...

Updates...

So I'm working around 25 hours a week.  It's not bad.  It's money.  I don't know.  It's not particularly taxing.  Whatever.  I guess it's ok.  I don't really want to do anything right now.  I lied.  I want to play the baseball game.  Stupid addictions...

Basketball, well, last saturday was the first in quite some time that I didn't completely suck ass.  And of course, the day got cut short.  People leaving, people getting injured.  Damnit.  I promised 2 shimmys to someone.  I failed.  Babe Ruth I am not.

Without the band, music is strange.  I'm writing new stuff.  Don't want to talk about it much yet.  Still a difficult thing for me to discuss.  The band and all.  My heart hurts just thinking about it. 

So I sleep strangely.  I'll sleep 4 to 6 hours a day for maybe 3 or 4 days and then the day I have off, I'll sleep from 12 to 15.  I was proud of the 15.  Didn't even have to get up to pee.  I had to when I got up though.

Regardless, this throws my mood for a loop.  Badly.  I'm far more short tempered.  Angry.  Bitter.  I hate being rejected.  Pisses me off.  Even in a very small matter.  One that doesn't even have much significance.  I know it doesn't, and it bothers me.  Part of my lack of sleep.

And I'm tired of people.  Myself included.  I'm an angry, bitter individual who doesn't know how to change himself.  And that makes me angry.  Have I mentioned how much I hate being involved in situations where I can't possibly win?  Yeah, those are fun.  Especially when they hit at where I'm weakest. 

How can I be surrounded by some truly beautiful people and none of them see that I have that in me too?  Not to toot my own horn, I guess.  As much as I say I hate people sometimes, and I do, I'm surrounded by some truly beautiful people.  It bothers me that I can't seem to get a chance.  I know, it's my same old arguement.  I tired, leave me alone.

I just want someone to care about me as I care about them.  Fuck.

Song of the Moment:  "So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin.

Until Then...Show Me How It Ends...