Alright, I suppose I could update...

Work is ok.  Nothing great.  I'm sick.  And it's all in my lungs.  It appears to have attacked my throat as well.  My voice has been off because of it.  Then I did commentary at the show tonight and it's even worse.  I can barely speak.  It's pretty sweet.  Except it kinda hurts.

Haven't played ball in almost 3 weeks now.  Not going to this week either.  Not enough people.  Getting pudgier.  It sucks.  I'm cutting back on drinking hardcore.  Needs to be done.

Phil was home.  Good to see him.  Poon will be home all summer long.  Damn happy about that.  We'll see how things go this summer.  Who knows what lies around the corner?  I have several more weddings to go to...

So I went to a wedding today.  A wedding for a friend I've known for, damn, over 15 years.  Probably close to 18.  He was the first friend I found when my parents divorced.  We grew up together.  Literally.  It's through him that I met my brother, actually.

Needless to say, it was an emotional day.  To me, going to church, even if it's not really a service, touches me deeply.  I guess that, to some extent, I feel like I should go more often.  I feel out of touch with God sometimes.  It's when I go to church that I feel his presence and it's a reminder of what I truly need in my life.

Aaron, my friend who got married, has always been a good friend to me.  And to see him so happy...to see his bride so happy, made me want to cry.  For a lot of reasons.  Aaron is a truly exceptional man.  If anyone deserves to be happy, to be in love, it's him. 

I'm so incredibly proud to call him my friend.  And his new wife, Emily, who had met me maybe twice ever, knew who I was and thanked me for coming.  To be honest with you, that makes me want to cry right now.  To know that, even though she and I aren't close, hell we've barely ever spoken, she knew who I was and she knew what it meant to Aaron for me to be there.

And yet, a part of me is sad.  I see someone, someone I hold dear, someone who's been a damn fine friend for many years, finding the person they want to spend the rest of his life with.  It's as beautiful a thing as I've ever known.

But it makes me sad in that, I want that.  I know, it's selfish to think that way, especially on someone's wedding day, but it's a part of who I am.  I look at Aaron and think, he and I, we were, and on many levels still are, one and the same.  My friend, my boy, a brother, has found the love of his life.

And I haven't really even begun. 

I wish them both the best of luck.  Although I believe luck has nothing to do with it.  God bless them both as they continue their journey together.

My Song of the Moment:  "When Darkness Falls" by Killswitch Engage.

Until Then...

So...I think that title says it all.  It's a perfect description of how I feel about my life and where I'm at right now.

In general, I feel that all the things I want in my life, the big important things as far as I'm concerned, are not falling into place.  Falling into place isn't the right term.  That makes it sound like I'm waiting for things to happen to me, not making them happen.  I'm not.  It just doesn't appear to matter either way.

Anyone who knows me knows that music is what I want to do with my life.  And yes, I realize it's not been that long since the band broke up.  A little over a month, actually.  But that doesn't mean I'm still not mourning it, in many ways.

I don't really believe I can make it without a band.  I'm not a solo artist.  yes, I'm working on a solo project, but that's more to fill my time.  I thrive in situations with people.  It's what I do, it's what I strive for.  That comaraderie(sp?) of being with people that not only are your friends, but a family as well.  I miss that.  I miss it more than I could ever begin to explain to you.

And it's in that situation where I can do the most.  Where I can be most productive.  With guys with common goals.  Hell, as many of you saw with the last band, even with guys that DON'T have common goals.  Not to toot my own horn, but I don't think it's outlandish to say that it was mostly my will power that kept that band together.  I miss having something that I cared that passionately about to put my mind to.

Then of course, there's the lady situation.  I know, I harp on it all the time.  Leave me alone.  And, at the risk of saying something I shouldn't, there's a possibility that a girl likes me.  Holy shit, I know.  Which of course, plays on my mind.  Because I like the girl.  Duh.  But she isn't sure what, if anything, she wants to do. 

So I go back and forth in my brain all day.  Call too much?  Not enough?  Too forward?  Or too laid back?  Do I appear to know anything about what I'm doing?  I'm trying to "follow my heart" like Casey told me to do, but even then I wonder if that's the right thing.

On top of all this, my friend group is diminishing.  I've always been a guy with a large circle of friends around me.  That's tapering off and in a big way.  I'm growing apart from many of my friends, and several of them are just leaving in general.  Big Mike and Phil are gone.  Stacey and Casey won't be home this summer.  My band is gone.  I'm not pleased with the directions a couple of my friends have gone with their lives.  All in all, I'm feeling incredibly lonely.

Which brings me to the big point here.

I believe in God.  I believe he has a plan.  But I can't help but question it.  I feel like I'm doing the best I can, trying to follow Him and do what I think he'd want me to do, and I keep falling flat on my face.

There's nothing I can do.  I've begged.  I've pleaded.  Hell, I've threatened, which is ridiculous.  I've prayed until I can't anymore.  I've cried so hard I've made myself sick.  Literally.  And all the while, I'm feeling like he's leaving me here, alone.  (Ha, Here, Alone.  A PBS reference...)  I feel like I'm struggling to stay above water and he's just watching. 

I've not been very happy lately.  Save the time spent with a certain person I mentioned earlier.  I'm not saying I'm dependent upon this person to be happy.  Not at all.  I AM saying it would be nice to have something that makes me truly happy in my life right now. 

I miss my dog.  My beard is growing.  The sign of my unhappiness.  When something is resolved, everyone will know.  How?  My beard will be shaved.  Not until then.  I ask that anyone who reads this prays for me.  It doesn't appear my prayers do any good...

Song of the Moment:  "Happy?" by Mudvayne.

Until Then...