Damnit.

Yes, damnit I say.  I'm very unhappy.  In that, I'm becoming a bit happy, but it's nothing I should be happy about.  You see, I've met several people in my life who can just turn their feelings on and off as they please.  If they want to like someone, emotionally speaking, they can.  If they don't, they can flick the switch.

If they want to open themselves up, they will.  If they don't, they won't.  To me, I find that incredible.  Also incredibly sad on a lot of levels.  That you're so afraid of people, and yes, it is fear, that you can just close yourself off.  I find it sad, really.

Problem is, I'm doing that right now. 

It's cool as hell.  I always wondered why someone would want to do that.  To be able to just flick a switch and be done feeling for someone.  And now that I've done that, at least temporarily, I can understand why people find it to be such a great alternative to being hurt.  Unfortunately, I think it sucks.

I don't want to hurt.  No one does.  I hate hurting.  I don't want to feel like other people have the ability to hurt me.  But then I look at the flip side.  If people can't hurt me, if they have no access for the negative, they have no access to the positive.  People are the main factor in my life as to my ups and downs.  Certain people make me so happy that nothing in the world could bring me down.  Others I want no part of.  Or others still have hurt me deeply enough that I never want to see them again.

What it boils down to is...If I can't feel the bad, I also can't feel the good.

And when I think about it, truly, I'd rather be sensitive and easily hurt than numb to people.  It's what I am.  It's what can help me reach my highest heights...and also drop to the lowest of lows.  I don't want to fear that.  I won't fear it...

My Song of the Moment:  "Circles" by Slipknot.

Until Then...Open Your Heart.

My grandmother died yesterday.

I really don't know what to think or say.  Hell, I don't know where to begin.  I know what I did last night.  I drank.  A lot.

Yes, what an awful way to start the grieving process.  Getting fucked up.  How appropriate.  Or as my mother said last night, "So you're following in the footsteps of your family then?"  In case you can't read into that, there are plenty of alcoholics in my family.  We're Irish, what can I say?

So I drink.  I took tonight off because, realistically, there's only so much drinking one man can do.  And as you can tell, I don't necessarily feel very good about it.  Will it change how I go about doing things?  Probably not, because I'm weak. 

I'm weak and I hate it.  There aren't a lot of things I actually do like about myself.  Odd that in this time of death in my family, what I think about most is how much I don't like myself.  Selfish, I suppose.  But what can you do?

My dad is having a rough time of things, although he won't say it.  I can tell in every way he moves, acts, speaks, or doesn't speak.  I hate that too.  My dad is easily my closest family member and someone I rely on quite a bit.  I can do nothing to help him.

I want to get away.  But that'll do me about as much good as the next drink I take.  My pain is here.  My reality is here.  I have no choice but to face up to these demons that continue to haunt me. 

Through my life, I've decided that running away is the best way to deal with this pain.  I've always told myself that that wasn't the case.  That I wasn't running at all.  But the fact of the matter is, I run.  I run in the lies to myself. 

I tell myself that I don't need anyone.  I do.  That I'm not an angry person.  I am.  That I can beat my depression.  I can't. 

I don't want to be these things.  I don't want to be dependent.  I don't want to angry anymore.  Towards myself or anyone else.  I want to let it go.  I want to be ok.  I want to be what I once was...happy.  I don't want to fear that when something goes wrong I'll fall right back into this pain.

I want to feel I can be loved.

But then there are moments like these. 

I believe in the Lord.  I'm a Christian.  And this is another huge problem area for me.  I see Christians as, generally speaking, happy people.  I am not.  I pray with every ounce of my being for this to be taken from me.  But then I wonder...am I doing something wrong?  Or is this just my burden.  The "thorn in my side?"

I feel like I'm going alone.  Like the one thing I need most, the Lord, is no where near me.  And that is as scary and lonely a feeling as I can ever begin to express. 

I write this with tears in my eyes.  Literally.  If anyone can help, I ask that you do so.  If nothing, I ask that you pray for me.  I don't want to feel this way anymore.  I don't want to walk alone...

Until Then...

Damnit Damnit Damnit!

Yeah...lots of shit going on.  A TON, to be accurate.  And very little of it is good.  But we'll focus on the good part, for the most part.

Work, well...sooner or later, you'll hear the story.

Playin ball at least once a week.  Beautiful I say.  It's hot as balls, but it's nice to get out and run.  And show my athletic ability, of course.  Damnit Mike, you need to come home and play!

I've been kinda bored with guitar lately.  It's unfortunate, I know.  I play, don't get me wrong.  I just haven't been playing much new stuff in quite some time.  In a bit of a rut, I dare say.  I know something big is on the horizon though.  Trust me.

My grandmother is incredibly sick and in the hospital.  She doesn't have long...I'm sure I'll post more about that in the coming days, but right now, any prayers you could say for her would be great of you.  Better than great, I dare say.

To the point of this blog.  I spent the day with a marvelous woman.  And I do mean marvelous.  She's beautiful, she's cute, funny, smart, caring, and even appreciates my sense of humor.  What more could I ask for?!?!

Well...she lives a little far away.  It sucks more than you could imagine.  But on top of that...I don't know if she likes me the way I like her.  Of course that's the story of my life. 

We (I hope I can speak for her on this) had so much fun today.  It was so great to me just to walk around with her and talk to her.  And of course, I ran into plenty of people who I knew, so I got to show her off.  Did I mention she's gorgeous?!?!

I'm afraid.  So afraid.  I mean...what if I really like this girl?  Even more, what if she really likes ME?  There's a distance factor here that scares the hell out of me.  Life is so complicated right now.  I just wish there was one easy answer to ANYTHING that's going on.  Work, family, girl....

Opening yourself up is about the scariest thing I've ever known.  I haven't done it much since, well, a certain woman who treated me like absolute shit for over a year.  Probably 2.  Come to think of it, whenever she gets the chance, she STILL treats me like shit.  Who's shocked by this?  And who, of all you who know my history, couldn't guess who it is???

I just don't want to hurt right now.  That's what I ask for most.  If nothing else, to be numb, even for a little bit. 

I have a wedding to go to in Naperville in less than 2 weeks.  My date, well, I don't know that I have one.  I hope I do.  We'll see if this special woman has off, and if she can go with me.  I hope so...I really do.  I can't help but be a little cynical though...

I miss so many people.  My entire heart goes out to all of you who I love.  You know who you are.  I hope to see you all soon...

My Song of the Moment:  "Shuffle It All" by Izzy Stradlin'. 

Until Then...