Cryptically, I begin again...

Life is in a whirlwind again.  I am caught in that whirlwind.  Not always, though.  Sometimes I feel that I'm just watching it all take place.  Behind these eyes I wonder...

Wishing for hours...time.  Hours...yes, hours are what I seek...to keep my mind off of what I want...what I need...what I believe...

This whirlwind picks up only when I'm sure it has stopped for good.  My mind rationalizes it's ending.  I see it, I feel it.  The ending has come and I have accepted it.  Though it's not the case...

When I'm finally back on the ground, set down by that storm, I am beaten, I am broken.  But I accept the finality of it.  This finality is not final at all.  I am picked up once again, drifting in a direction I know nothing of...

I want this whirlwind to stop completely or continue forever.  In between serves no purpose.  Continued pain.  Continued questions.  How much longer must I wonder?

The possibility of another entering the picture has plenty to do with this insanity.  Another who was not there to begin with.  How am I to claim what I believe is mine with this possible addition?  How?!

Job 13:15.  The battle cry of a mentally beaten man.  What has become my battle cry.  I continue on.  Almost in spite...arms at my sides, raised as I do...my right wrist will be decorated with that one day.  One day...

My Song of the Moment:  "Overburdened" by Disturbed! 

Could it be...?

Lord knows I've waited so long.  An ear is gone, figuratively speaking.  There's a possibility that this nightmare does NOT end in pain and screaming.  That maybe all the pain and darkness of the nightmare isn't really a nightmare at all.

Forgive me for being hopeful.  It's only been a lifetime in the making.  A lifetime.

I've done so much wrong lately.  So many bad things.  Friends have been lost.  Permanently gone.  Some my fault, others not.  I have learned that I can't take the blame for everything.  Not everything...

Could it be through all the mistakes, the ups and downs, the good songs and bad, that maybe the best is yet to come?  That the best song is still to be written?  And written by me...

But then...could this be false hope?  Only to come crashing down upon me once again.  More pain...more anger...more sadness...It can't all be directed at me.  It can't all be caused by me...

Second place is a place for pain.  A position I no longer wish to hold.  A position I will no longer hold.  My beard is being shaved tomorrow.  For good reason.  Hope.  Hope...

I don't want to be filled with hatred and anger anymore.  Not towards anyone, most of all me.  I want to be free of all of this.  It's time to finally move on...finally...move...on...

Can you hear the octaves?  It's that song again.  The one that hasn't been written yet, but it will be.  By me.  I believe.  I believe...

Only In Dreams...A Masterpiece.  Not mine.  Mine's coming...someday...maybe even soon...