Think of what it is to give to another person. 

Emotionally.  Physically.  Completely.

See the situation.  Feel it, embrace it.  You know the feeling, you've been there before.  You understand it.

Juxtapose that.

You're in that scene, you understand, you feel.  Your heart is there.

And what is it you hear?  What is it you truly feel?  Listen for it.  You'll hear it soon enough.

The mournful melodies of a perfect song of sadness.

A song of Depression.  Guilt.  Loss.  Suicide.

Music is your power, as is your emotion.  Which wins?

Song of the Moment: "The Noose" by A Perfect Circle.

Until Then...

You know what my favorite quote is right now?

"Death seems quite nice this time of the year."

I'm beaten, I'm alone, and I'm tired.  To steal from my friend Luck, all I can do is trudge.  That slow, weary, walk of a man who has nothing left but the will to continue on. 

I hate this.  I feel so...so...destroyed.  So left to die.  And if that's the case, then let me die.  LET ME DIE.

But it's not my time.  Not yet. 

She may love me.  Maybe she does.  I believe she does.  But that doesn't change the end result.  As a matter of fact, it makes it worse.  Go FUCKING figure.

I want to be like...her.  A different her.  The one with no heart.  Like the one who caused so much pain.  But I can't be.  My heart is what makes me what I am. 

Which, is to say, unfortunately, alone as always.  Beaten, as always.

Fuck you.

Song of the Moment:  "Passive" by A Perfect Circle.

Until Then..

It's been quite some time, has it not?

I've been hurt badly.  That's not what I'm here to talk about, not yet.  That will come soon.  I've yet to be able to completely deal with that situation, nor get my mind wrapped around it.  In time it will come.  Yes, but until that time...

I've been watching quite a few movies lately.  And when people ask me what kind of movies I prefer to watch, well, it's a bit difficult to say.  My genre really isn't one at all.  It's one that I have lumped together and in doing so, have created a category all to it's own.

Movies that explore the human soul.

These can be comedies or action, though rarely are.  Most of them would fit into what most would call "drama," but I think it's more than that.  It deals with the fabric of what we are, how we think, why we act.  Quality examples include The Way of the Gun, Fight Club, American History X, The Jacket, Love Actually (don't laugh), American Beauty, and many more. 

I watched one today that hit me hard:  Requiem For A Dream.

I'm not a drug user.  Well, I drink.  But in the category of illegal drugs, I do none.  Never have, actually.  So to those of you who've seen that movie, or know what it's about, it must seem strange to you that I've indentified so closely to it.  Not so.

The character I mostly closely indentify myself with, actually, is Jared Leto's mother.  When she gets on the pills for the first time and has the conversation with her son, what she says, and how she says it, hit me incredibly hard.

She's doing her best to smile, she's doing her best to find a reason to live.  But she's alone.  She feels like she has no one.  But she's got this idea.  This thought about being on television that drives her. 

It struck me because it reminds me that we all need a reason to live.

And I'm not here to tell you I don't.  I'm also not here to tell you I do.  There is a loneliness inside me that has never been filled.  Check that, it has, but only for a few days at best, at any given time.  I understood her point of view and even empathized with it.

For those of you that know me, you can debate it up and down.  You've got this, you don't have that, blah blah blah.  It doesn't much matter, does it?  It's what a person FEELS that counts for something.  And the fact of the matter is, I feel the same way she did.

Begging for that reason to live, to exist.  To feel like you're doing more than just treading water.  I'm treading...and to some extent, that's all I've ever done...

Until Then...