For the past month or maybe even 6 weeks, I've been quite upbeat.  Happy, even.  I fear using that word, because, as you know, I feel that as soon as I get too up, it's only a matter of time before I am brought back down.

I've been out way too late, I've been drinking, I've been dancing some, I've been helping people move, I've been meeting new people.  And I've loved every minute of it.  Every single minute.  It's been a blast.

But throughout all this time, there's been a splinter in my mind.  Something I couldn't quite get loose, and something I couldn't quite understand either.  It just...was.  And I decided to just let it go.  Well, whatever this splinter is, I believe it's caught up to me today.

The lack of sleep, generally speaking, other than a beautiful 17 straight hours, has finally taken it's toll on me.  I think I'm just worn out and have come down a little bit from the euphoria that has been the last 6 weeks.  As I've stated, it's been a beautiful 6 weeks.  But I think my mind and body have finally become in sync with each other.

They've both told me to slow down.

Lord knows I don't want to.  I never have.  I'm the guy that when there's something going down, you best believe I'll be there.  I'll drink til the last drop, I'll dance to the last song, and I'll sing...well...nevermind the singing.  The point is, I love people.  They inspire, piss me off, make me angry, and show me things I would never see otherwise.  This is why I go out.  This is why I continue on this torid pace.

But it sure as hell has kicked my ass.  My mind is shot.  Beyond my extra curricular activities, my former place of employment shut down.  So I'm without a job.  Which sucks, obviously, but moreso when you consider how much I enjoyed the job and the majority of the people I worked with.  It was a great time and I wish them all the best.

Now, on top of that, if you know me well, you know that major holidays usually kick my ass.  A long time ago, and I'd be lying if I said I could tell you when it started, I learned to kind of...block out...holidays.  They always depressed me.  I made myself more or less forget that they were there.  They've been tough for me for quite some time and in keeping with tradition, this year is difficult as well.

Each year since, well, whenever this started, has gotten a little bit easier.  Each christmas in particular, I've gotten a little stronger, a little happier.  I've allowed myself to get a little more "in the spirit," so to speak.  Unfortunately, one of the great traditions of christmas for my family, putting up the christmas tree, will be one person short this year with the passing of my grandmother.

She was here every year with us.  And we're considering not even putting up a tree this year.  Personally, I think that's for the best.  I don't know how to do it, really.  It just doesn't quite feel right without her here to help. 

All of this adds up to one very confused young stud.  That being me, for those of you who didn't catch that.  Some sleep will help.  I'm sure of that. 

Oh!  By the way, it's Merry Christmas, not happy holidays, fuckers!

Sorry, had to get that out of the way...

Song of the Moment:  "Forget to Remember" by Mudvayne.

Until Then...MERRY CHRISTMAS!